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continuation #2 of book1

TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR THIS SECTION

(chapters 9-end):

It is important for you, the receiving partner, to know that you are responsible for the selection of the best healing partner for yourself that you can find. You may discover that the one you have chosen is not responsive to you, and it is a struggle for you to get heard, or to get your young child needs attended. It is your responsibility to change to another healing partner. Leaving a healing partner can be very difficult for people with unmet needs in infancy and early childhood. Here are a couple of suggestions of ways to handle it.

One way is to talk this over with your healing partner, and say goodbye. If this works for you, this is the best option.

If you are very dependent on the present healing partner, here is another way. You can look around for another healing partner while you are still with your present one. Then you can begin sessions with the new healing partner, still seeing the old one for a while. When you feel safe letting go of the old healing partner, then you can say goodbye to that person. This is fine for you to do. Your healing partner may or may not agree with your choice, but you have every right to make a change, and make the transition in a way that works for you.

If you find that saying goodbye to the present healing partner becomes a struggle, another way may be your best option. You can send the present healing partner a letter or postcard stating that you have decided to stop seeing them. You do not need to give a reason unless you want to.

Now let's say you are with a healing partner that seems to be a good match for you. What are your responsibilities?

You are responsible for your feelings. No one can make you feel anything. Because of your life, you may have touchy areas, and may have strong reactions when one of those spots gets touched even symbolically. Still, that is your reaction and your feelings. You may lack skills in handling your feelings. You can gain those skills as you heal.

You are responsible for your behavior, both in the healing sessions and in the rest of your life. You make choices in how to behave. Then you live with the results of your choices. If you do not like the result, you can make another choice.

If you are in a crisis, it is your responsibility to call for help. If your healing partner cannot or will not help, call a mental health hotline, or a mental health professional who will help. If your life or someone else's well-being is in danger, call the police.

When you are selecting a healing partner, notice if the person listens attentively. If it is very difficult for you to judge, it may be wise to begin healing sessions on a trial basis. Then you can have more time to notice if the healing partner seems warm and attentive, and is a good listener. If you are hearing a lot of "shoulds," this healing partner will not be appropriate for this healing method.

Ask the healing partner in your interview if they would be willing to hold you and feed you, and let you be "little" during the healing sessions.

Ask the healing partner if they guide people in emotional release work. This is an important skill for this healing method. Those who do not guide people in emotional release work may simply be untrained. However, this also might be a healer who is not comfortable with emotions. For this healing method, it is best to find a healing partner who is comfortable with emotions.

You may find a healing partner who has never done this type of healing before. Few healers have, at this point in time. However, if they are good listeners, and are comfortable with feelings, they may be willing to give this a try with you. That is how it was with me and my first healer. Sometimes no training can be an advantage, because many healers in this culture are trained not to touch you, and not to allow you to become dependent. Both being held and being allowed to become dependent are necessary ingredients for this healing method. Both of you could use this book as a guide, if the healing partner is willing.

Even if your healing partner is not willing to read this, you have, and you can steer your process by your requests, and figure out what is happening on your healing path by using this book as a guide. My healing partner did not like to read, so my requests were the triggering factors. It worked for a while, then I had to find a new healing partner for more work.

That also worked for a while, then I had to find new healing partners again to complete my healing. I am still in the process of healing, and will be able to completely fill my remaining building blocks with my present healers.

Even though leaving each healing partner was very difficult, I retained the gains I made with each one. When I was ready, I found my next healing partner.

One of the most important discoveries for the healing partner is his or her own limits. You need to decide whether you want the relatively easy and pleasant task of helping fairly healthy people fill in their missing building blocks and do emotional release work. You need to decide how much of your life you are willing to give to others, and then set limits by your working hours and your availability by telephone.

Healing the healthier receiving partners is generally a shorter term process than healing those with great missing building blocks in infancy and very early childhood. That is an important factor for your consideration.

In addition, the healthier receiving partners may be sensitive, and tell you just when you make mistakes. But they won't have the fragility of the people who are missing major building blocks in infancy and very early childhood. These may be good people with whom to practice and to learn the basics before you attempt to heal someone with a greater need.

If you are working in a office or a home, you may wish to limit yourself to those with enough self-control to never threaten violence, either to themselves or others.

In addition, those receiving partners with substance abuse problems need to have been in a recovery program such as AA for a year. They need to have taken responsibility for being drug-free for some time for this process to be effective for them.

Those healing partners working in facilities such as hospitals or residential and related out-patient treatment facilities may already have training and techniques to deal with violent or other out of control behavior. This healing method could be adapted to many existing treatment plans.

If you wish to use this process with the chronically mentally ill, or for people with great gaps in their infancy or very early childhood development, expect this to be a longer-term process. Your skills and ability to listen and receive the person will need to be more highly developed than is needed to help healthier people heal.

The fears that these receiving partners must overcome will be greater. They will be scared to death, whereas healthier people are just scared. They actually will have terrors rather than fears.

Their lack of trust is a barrier that will need to be overcome. This may take time, many questions, and testing.

These needier receiving partners may be ultra-sensitive to every conceivable error on your part. This means extra time is spent listening and correcting yourself and comforting this person with a fragile and very young inner child.

There are many more building blocks to fill than with healthier people. More time and greater patience will be required to work with these receiving partners. Individual sessions may be welcomed by these receiving partners when they become ready to be held and fed, or to "be little." After they fill in some of the building blocks of infancy, they may wish to be in a group with others.

Some healing partners may offer these types of healing experiences in a group setting. For the healthier population, those who are functioning in the world of work and who are in relationships, group processes will be very effective.

It is important not to add too many rules to the list of temporary "shoulds" that constitute the creation of the new mental structure. It is important not to add more "shoulds" of your own.

Here are some important questions for healers to answer before you decide to do this healing process with people.

Do you have an ability to trust other people?

Do you feel loved by the significant people in your life? Do you have significant people in your life?

Are you comfortable with your own and other people's emotions?

Are you kind to people even if you are angry?

Do you keep your word?

If you answered no to any of these questions, you are not ready to offer this type of healing to others. I suggest you become a receiving partner, and fill in your early voids. Then you will answer 'yes' to these questions, and have great training as well.

Can you hear criticism in a non-defensive way? Can you admit your mistakes? Will you always be willing to look objectively at yourself, and admit to your shortcomings? This will be needed to be a healing partner with this method.

Do you permit yourself to cry when you are sad, feel scared when appropriate, feel angry at times, and guilt when you know you have done wrong? Do you have skills to speak to others about your feelings and have a positive outcome to your communication?

Are you good at balancing your life, and making sure that you have enough rest and relaxation, and time for fun? A workaholic healer needs to fill in some building blocks, do some emotional work, and balance his own life before offering this healing method.

It is possible to allow people to become dependent on you without victimizing them. This will take a careful monitoring of yourself.

Are you doing this to feel good about yourself and feel more powerful than those you assist, or are you doing this to create and learn from each receiving partner?

If your intentions are clear, and you decide to offer this type of healing, you are in for a great learning experience. You will also be receiving some very unique and beautiful rewards. You will be providing the foundation for others to bloom and have a great life. God bless and guide you!

As I said in the beginning, there are many roads to Rome. People find healing and growth in education, religion, psychotherapy, in many areas of life. This healing process can fit into these varied expressions of human growth, if human-imposed barriers are dropped and limits are expanded.

Most adults will have an initial barrier to overcome to hold and feed adults as if they were small babies and children. However, this will disappear quickly as they experience it themselves, or begin to offer it. You will be surprised to find the strong maternal and paternal feelings that arise within you as you do this.

Fulfillment of early childhood needs is not frequently directed to adults, but is often offered to young children. Highly trained people offer care in nursery schools, pre-schools and day-care homes. The boundaries of who can receive this care could be expanded to include adults and older children.

The boundaries of who can offer healing must expand. Mental health professionals dedicate their lives to healing. But there are not enough of them to reverse the famine of the heart, due to the enormous level of need in our culture.

The boundaries of where this could be offered could expand to schools, workplaces, and many other locations.

This could be offered as a psychotherapy treatment. Many mental health professionals are already highly trained in some of the elements of this healing. Mental health professionals are trained not to touch clients, and not to encourage dependency. These barriers must be overcome.

As in any method for improving mental health, it is best to experience this yourself at least briefly before offering it to others. For many clients, this can be offered in the healer's normal time arrangements of a weekly or twice-weekly individual session, or in groups.

For healers in religious-based organizations, you may have similar barriers as the mental health professionals. You have likely been trained not to touch, and to discourage dependency. You may have been trained to leave all healing in God's hands. Whose hands do you think yours are? God has many ways of healing. Here is one more way.

You will need to find a way of seeing that all emotions are acceptable in the healing sessions for the young inner child of the receiving partner, even, for example, if you teach the adults in your services to avoid fear and anger.

Remember that a toddler's experience of God will be different from that of an adolescent, which will be different from an adult's. Adults experiencing this healing may discover a different relationship to God in each different stage of development that they explore.

CHAPTER TEN

Emotional and spiritual growth does not change you. Unneeded protective barriers that you cannot see, but others frequently can, begin to disappear. This growth lets the lost and beautiful 'real' you emerge, as you begin to express more and more of your true self. The 'unreal' you gets chipped off. It is said that Michelangelo was asked how he carved the beautiful statue of David from a slab of marble. He replied that he just chipped away all of the marble that wasn't David. That is what spiritual and emotional growth does for you.

You only leave behind the masks and barriers and the pieces of 'not you' that you stuck on here and there. The more you know your true self, the more you will love yourself and others. As Sujata says in Beginning To See, "when you find out who you really are, it's beautiful beyond your dreams."

As the real you emerges, your true gifts will unfold. You will discover the unique contribution that only you can give to the world. Honor yourself. If your true self and your gifts seem deeply buried, remember that great treasures often take a heroic quest to discover.

If you seek and persevere, you will find your way. Remember that you are the one who buried your treasures. Within you are the keys to unlocking the barricades and doors that you built. After all, you created them!

Search for the healers or personal growth courses or spiritual learning that attracts you. Ask for God's help in your quest. Enjoy your journey. Bon voyage!

Love has been the subject of philosophical inquiry since man has been able to think and reflect and question. It is the founding cornerstone of all of the major religions of the world. It is a the uniting energy in families and friendships. It furthers procreation of the species. It is what inspiring songs say that we need. But what is love, and how can we receive more love?

I am going to describe my experience of what love has been to me in various stages of my life, and then share some of my research with you. As I have been on a quest for love since I was a young child, I have discovered more and more regarding love as time and my probing and searching have continued. I am certain that I have much more to discover.

As a young child, I was aware by the age of 11 that love was almost entirely missing in my life, other than a slight sense of love from my father, and in the melting feelings I felt when I was the recipient of the rare kind acts or words from people outside of my family. I remember searching the adult sections of the library, and finding a book called, "Keys to Happiness."

I call that sense that love is missing "the voids within." As I began to heal with my first healing partner, I discovered that I, in conjunction with him, could re-create the experiences that infants and children in loving homes take for granted as a birthright. I first began to feel the warm feeling in my body as I was held as a small child would be held by a warm and loving person.

The adult in me retreated, and the small infant and child within me came forward. I discovered what love is to a baby, even though I was 33 years old! Love to a baby is being held in warm arms, being fed when needed, and bonding closely to a warm man and woman.

Love varies in the six stages of childhood. Love for toddlers is developing a sense of independence within safe limits, unconditional acceptance of the person with limits set on behavior. Love of the world outside of the self begins with an exploration of everything in sight, sound, touch, taste and smell.

Love to the child of 18 months to three years is answers to all the "why" questions with honesty and reasons, and time spent with those warm parent figures. From ages three to six, love is a safe return to nurture after forays with people and experiences away from the parent figures. Love for a six to twelve year old child is the wide wonderful world of things to do and rules to discover and test, with a continuation of the home base of nurture.

Love to an adolescent is an attempt to fill any voids from the previous five stages of development. Loving feelings with new elements surface, as romantic ideas and erotic sensations arise. A wide range of experiences shared with loving, informative adults help develop the intellect. Love for the older adolescent is a safe transition to an independent life.

In the book Care of the Soul, Thomas Moore addresses one of the voids common in people. It is the soul's longing for closeness with God. In his book he teaches the "care of the soul" and an acceptance of lifes ups and downs as lessons to ponder and learn.

Although some of my spiritual beliefs are probably different than yours, the simple core beliefs are the same in all the major religions. If you do not resonate with the thoughts I share, put them aside, and look for areas that are useful to you.

In the Gospel Revealed Anew by Jesus, a book written in the early part of this century, Jesus came through in automatic writing. In this book, Jesus teaches that our soul is constructed to long for closeness with God. He teaches that we must ask for this love to fill our soul. He makes a distinction between the natural love that God has given us to make life on earth tolerable, and is a wonderful gift in itself, and this other love from God, which he calls Divine Love. He teaches throughout the four volumes of the book that this Divine Love is a greater law than the law of compensation, which is the law of cause and effect. The law of compensation is where "we reap what we sow," meaning that our good actions and positive, loving thoughts bring the positive acts and thoughts back to us, while our negative behavior and thoughts brings the same to us.

According to these books, when the Divine love begins more and more to fill our hearts and souls, by our daily requests, our soul changes in substance. As this Divine Love progressively fills us, more and more of our errors are no longer a part of us, and we therefore can progress much more rapidly in our spiritual growth than by the slower process of purification that occurs after each earth life as we repent of the harms we have done. The Divine Love removes the cause, and the law of compensation has nothing to act on.

When I learned Spanish and French, I discovered that love is expressed more easily and frequently in those languages. Our English speaking culture tends to emphasize the thinking part of our personality development, while the French and Spanish speaking cultures include more of the feeling aspects of the personality. In a channeled book, Mary's Message to the World, Mary, the mother of Jesus, speaks about the inadequacy of the expression of love in the English language, with only one word for love. She says that the English speaking people do not understand the importance nor the effects of love in everything we do.

I will describe the types of love that Mary describes so beautifully. When more of the building blocks of childhood are filled in a person, they will experience more of many kinds of love. Those who received less love as a child will be able to experience less of the love that Mary describes.

Mary speaks first of general love. This love is seen in friendliness and respectful regard for all life, people, plants, and the earth. It is a sense of connection with all of the life surrounding us. It is the bonding glue of friendships and matrimony. It helps us remain in relationship in difficult times.

Next Mary speaks of appreciation. Love is expressed through our appreciation of the little and the common surrounding us, and the wonderful and unique creation that we each are. She teaches us to show appreciation to the objects around us, such as our car and home, by the care we give. She says that inanimate objects function better when we talk to them in our mind, surrounding them with appreciation. She tells us to appreciate our wondrous bodies that can sense the outside world, with our five senses, and our inner world with our incredible minds. She tells us to appreciate all people, the changing seasons, the common ground we have with all people, even our enemies.

Then Mary speaks of romantic love. She says that it is a glimpse of Divine Love. In our human expression of romantic love, it is a conditional love that says "I will love you if..." She says romance is good for a marriage, however, we should know that it is an illusionary feeling. A setting, a poem, or the words of a song can evoke it. She says that it is the wonder of love that we need in marriages.

She tells of the mature love that a parent has for a child, an owner for a business or possessions. With mature love comes responsibility. This is the love that is given without thought of return. It is love that sees the defects in others and loves in spite of or even because of them. I say that this is an aspect of Divine Love that we receive from God and our spiritual teachers, guides, and angels.

Then Mary speaks of unconditional love. This is the love toward children and our life partners. It is the love God has for us. With this love, there is no condition, no "if," no action needed, no rules to be followed. Divine love heals broken bones, broken homes, broken spirits and broken personalities. She says that love is alive, and grows as it is given to others.

Mary teaches of love as energy, faster than the speed of light. She speaks of love as chemistry, an energy source as we know light and electricity to be. She says that love is the agent that makes our blood cells move around in our body, that runs our world and the entire universe.

In Beginning to See, Sujata teaches people to begin to love by beginning to love oneself more. He says to reflect first on our own good qualities and kind acts. When loving thoughts towards ourself flow freely, we then can extend these thoughts to all other beings.

Love is a lesson that many of us come to learn in our lives. We choose various situations in order to learn to give and receive love. I chose abusive parents, and on a very long and difficult path, learned to love, and then gave my parents and other family members my unconditional love. I am rewarded with loving relationships where they did not exist before, and am being rewarded by gifts from my spirit teachers for learning this lesson and giving this love.

Spirit teachers, guides and angels are those instruments of God who help us live our lives. I became acquainted with mine in the last couple of years. My Buddhist Priest teacher, one of my spirit guides, gave me a lovely compliment. He said that many people talk about unconditional love, but that I have truly given it. He says that I have been a very good student, and I could teach him. Another spirit teacher, my Indian guide Manachuk, complimented me as well. He said that in this world nothing is given to us, we have to earn it. He had to earn the feathers on his headdress. He gave me spiritual feathers as a gift for the unconditional love I have given.

Love grows! The more love that you give, the more you attract. As you express your love, in whichever way you do it, your talents and ability to give to others will grow.

Love surrounds us. It is said that the Holy Spirit is in every breath that we take. It is called the sacred breath of life. Try not breathing. You can't do it for long. It only takes a simple request for God's love to be in your heart. Ask God for His love in your heart and soul. Then your soul's transformation will begin.

In Betty Eadie's book Embraced by the Light, tells of her near-death experience. She learned that every blade of grass, every flower, every molecule in every rock and inanimate object is aware of love and of its creator, in different ways. The flowers are praising God as they lift their petals and create their brave beauty, as they thrust forth into the world blind, and yet trusting. Poets and writers and artists have expressed love in many ways throughout time. Recently people joined hands in an expression of love that crossed our nation as they joined together in a spirit of giving, and the following song was their theme:

Bibliography and Resources:

We Are the World, produced and conducted by Quincy Jones.

Eadie, Betty J., Embraced by the Light, c. 1992, Gold Leaf Press

Harlow, Harry F., Learning to Love, c. 1971, Albion Publishing Company

Kirkwood, Annie, Mary's Message to the World, c. 1991, Blue Dolphin Press, Grass Valley, California

Moore, Thomas, Care of the Soul, c. 1992, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Padgett, James E., The Gospel Revealed Anew by Jesus, first published 1941, by Foundation Church of the New Birth, P.O.Box 996, Benjamin Franklin Station, Washington, D.C. 20044

Sujata, Beginning to See, c. 1987 by Stillpoint Institute, Celestial Arts, P.O. Box 7327, Berkeley, CA 94707

We live in an industrialized, technological culture. We have lost touch with our roots. We need to make peace with the part of our culture that separated our mind from our bodies and nature. This separation happened generations ago, and the missing building blocks within most of the population that caused this breach with our whole selves was passed on to succeeding generations. We need to reclaim our ancient heritage, lost for so long.

This breach of our whole selves occurred as the survivors of famine and oppression fled Europe. They passed their unhealed traumas on to their children.

It occurred as people were snatched from villages in Africa, suffered horrors on slave ships, then led lives of misery and servitude. Their unhealed traumas were passed on to new generations.

This breach befell the American Indians, as their differences were belittled by the overwhelming numbers of newcomers to the land instead of being honored. Many Indian cultures were highly spiritual. There is no violence in the Hopi culture.

We need to make peace with and honor the wise people who occupied our lands so lovingly before the industrialized, 'civilized' people came. These old ones were in harmony with the earth.

We need to make peace with races other than our own. Our separateness does both ourselves and the world great harm. Our partnership can offer us the treasures that each race, each nation, each people, each tribe, each person uniquely and beautifully has to share and teach, to heal and empower others.

Once we all lived in tribes. Prior to the nuclear family, before large extended families, before the technological revolution, before agriculture was developed and we settled into cities, we all lived in tribes. We all were close to the earth, and in close communion with our tribal others. We had a wisdom then of the earth and of our natures, that we lost degree by degree as we climbed the path to civilization as we express it in our lives today. We can shed those barriers that separate us from our source, of who we really are. We can discover and love the awesome, unique person that is in our core. We can discover who we really are.

The possibility exists that the indigenous people, the people who still remain, who have escaped 'civilization,' can be our teachers. They may still have what we 'civilized' peoples lost five hundred or so generations ago.

I use the term "civilized' in quotes, as we 'civilized' peoples have developed and used sophisticated weapons to kill our fellow man. We dishonor the animal life in our care with factory farms and inhumane ways of killing. We kill the soil that nourishes us with chemicals. We have much to re-learn about honoring the earth, from whose bounty we receive everything we put in our mouths, and every man-made object that exists.

We may become able to become partners with all mankind. We may become better caretakers of the animal and plant kingdom, and of the earth itself. We may, through the lessons we learn, be able to connect with our whole selves. The future of life on our planet depends on our doing so.

We can develop the attitude that each person that crosses our path can teach us a beautiful lesson. Perhaps the lesson is as simple as, "I don't want that lesson, thank you."

We can expand this idea even further, and see that all life forms can teach us lessons. What lessons are offered by our pets? By the wildlife, by pests? What lessons are offered by our plants, by nature? What lesson is there in a sunset, a sunrise, the storms? What can we learn from the calm times? What about the disasters? Doesn't the best in us shine forth after disasters, as we help our fellow man?

Do we need disasters to bring out the best in us? Or can we look for that goodness within each of us in the calm times? Can we each look within and see what we can contribute to our fellow man, to the plants or animals, to the planet?

I have been so rewarded by the gifts of growth, love and understanding in the many therapies, educational experiences and personal growth courses I have taken. It always seems odd to me that people hear about these opportunities and turn them down. They spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on a home, a new car and beautiful wardrobes, and on other material things.

Then they look at the cost and time required for these courses, from free to $15 to $1,000. They are skeptical. They say no. They won't risk this relatively minuscule amount of their money and time. They won't take a chance to see if personal growth might be of value to them.

They won't listen to their friends who are so excited and want to share their experiences. Their friends see possibilities for them, but they won't listen. They won't look. Perhaps they are too resigned to the rut they are in. Maybe they are too hopeless to even look or dream anymore. Or maybe they are healthy and happy, and it does not occur to them to dream for more.

Did you look back over your accomplishments as last year drew to a close? What dreams did you have for the coming year? Did you make New Years resolutions?

Do you allow yourself to dream of a better tomorrow? What is your dream? Is it to have a loving relationship with someone, or perhaps a career change? Is it increasing your income? Has travel to an exotic country been one of your dreams? Maybe your dream is simple. Perhaps you want to see friends or relatives whom you haven't seen in a long time. And how many times have you told yourself, "Someday I am going to travel, find a partner, start my own business, buy a house, etc." The time is now. Are you resigned to the way things have been?

If you are resigned to the way things have been, you've buried your inborn imagination and enthusiasm. Only you can dig them out! The first step of reaching goals may be the hardest for you, as you dare to dream of the future that you want and know deep down that you deserve.

The next step after dreaming is to write down your dreams. Write your goals for ten years, five years, one year, and one month.

Then, picture yourself in the future, a success in fulfilling your dream. Now, from that point in the future, look back and outline the steps you took to to succeed.

Is success in relationships your dream? Do you notice as you look back that your relationships are not what you want? Do you notice that they all have one thing in common? You were there in all of them! It may be time for personal growth or therapy. You deserve to spend your money on yourself. You are worth the investment.

Many thousands of people have given themselves the gift of spending their hard earned money on themselves by getting themselves in therapy or by pursuing personal growth courses.

Dare to take a calculated risk! Chances are you will find that the only thing to fear is fear itself. Or the only thing to be skeptical about is your own skepticism.

It has been said that the only difference between fear and excitement is remembering to breathe! Go for it! Take some action for yourself now!

Here's my vision and commitment on the far horizon. Peace is spreading across cities and nations. We can see it in the effort of all the major powers who averted a large war in the Middle East. Cooperation stopped Saadam Hussein's war machine in a few days. We can see peace expanding in many ways if we look. We are slowly moving in the right direction.

My commitment is that this type of healing becomes widely available, and makes a difference in many lives, and finally, in our culture.

I visualize a grass roots awareness of the deserving child within all of us. I dream of an awakening across the land. I see people acknowledging their own voids within. I see them judging others less harshly, aware that they are doing the best they can with the building blocks they have.

I dream of a grass roots request across the land for adults to have these early needs filled. I see these needs becoming open and honored, rather than hidden with shame.

I imagine pre-schools opening at night and on weekends. I see pre-school teachers offering pre-school experiences to adults. I see elementary schools, junior high and high schools being aided by large numbers of volunteers who want to contribute to our children, our future.

I visualize churches and temples offering this type of healing, as they open to new expressions of unconditional love. I see them extending this unconditional love to other spiritual organizations than their own, honoring what the other people hold as sacred. I see the churches respecting the differences and beauty of other faiths. I see criticism and judgement fading, as the ability to honor and appreciate other viewpoints grows.

I dream that these loving, void-filling experiences will be available to all, as a birthright. I dream that every person with some building blocks of love will in some way help others. I visualize people offering these building blocks of love in every day places.

I dream of churches and temples reaching out to God's children, feeding and sheltering them. I dream of seeing present day missionaries going in groups to paint, clean and repair the homes of our elders, our disabled, and our poor. I dream of seeing them giving their assistance unconditionally.

I dream of seeing hatred and fear being overcome by love. I dream of seeing TV, radio shows and movies reflecting the love and peace that is growing.

I see a blossoming of spiritual growth, the end result of emotional growth. I see devotional singing groups springing up in homes across the country.

I see the jails decline in numbers, as the inmates receive love and education, healing and support. I see the bars on the windows of peoples' homes coming off, as people feel safer and safer. I see true freedom returning to our land, as we all remove the bars in our minds.

I envision our elders being honored for their unique contributions and wisdom. I see intermingling of the generations, as people begin to appreciate all of the other ages and stages of life.

I envision people honoring Mother Earth. I see them adopting the Native American ways of asking permission of the earth and the creatures, and blessing the earth, before digging and bulldozing. I see growing numbers of open hearted people now unable and unwilling to pollute and raze the earth.

I dream of seeing the growth of loving groups, easing the loneliness and separateness of our people. I see the numbers of people who feel loved growing, until those who feel unloved are surrounded by love. I see cold hearts finally melting with love. I dream of great numbers of people healing, all across the land. I see them reaching out into the pockets of despair. I see people packing an extra lunch as they make their own, to have something nourishing to give to their homeless and poor fellow humans.

I dream of the pockets of despair shrinking, as more and more people develop their capacity to give and share. The homeless, the poor, the teenagers, our elders, the immigrants will be touched by love and caring from all sides.

I believe that there is a seed of God planted within each one of us. Let's allow that seed to grow.

I envision the famine of the heart ebbing, and then ceasing to flow. It will start with you. Will you do your part to heal and to give? Your gifts are needed. Your love is needed.

God bless and guide you.

Love,

Jeannie

P.S. I believe in Magic(love)

Excerpts from my journal, "Coming Alive"  

These are excerpts from the journal I kept as I began to heal in my sessions with Sam. You can travel with me on my journey.

All of my emotions and the feeling of hunger in my body were totally blocked. I felt pressure and discomfort, but did not actually feel my emotions, although I called the pressures I felt "panic," or other names of emotions. I called feeling less pressure "feeling good." More pressure and a headache meant "starving" to me. I had no energy, and always felt exhausted, because all of my energy was used to block my emotions.

I had never trusted another human. Most people rejected me very quickly, from friends to therapists.

In these notes I show the process of my coming alive. I began to feel all of my emotions, including love, and learned to trust others, starting with Sam.

I was an analytical person, a former computer programmer. I lived in my mind. In these pages you will see how the adult slipped into the background and my inner child, never allowed expression since my infancy, began to grow and learn and thrive.

The beginning of my regression to a childhood state is illuminated in these diary-like notes. Finally having some infant and childhood experienced is what gave me the health and the good life I enjoy today.

"COMING ALIVE," my journal

from pages 10,11

March 31, 1980

When I felt the first weird sensations, they felt good. I asked Sam what that was, and he said, "It's called coming alive."

So I went to him each week and did a little breathing and my body shook and trembled, and I just noticed and thought it was interesting.

Then one day I was talking to my friend Mike and he said some mean things to me, and I started shaking like I did in my sessions with Sam. I asked Mike to account for what he said and told him I was shaking, and we did get it cleared up. Mike became very nurturing and said he was sorry he scared me.

Sam had said not to do the breathing exercises at home, which I was tempted to do because I liked the sensations. (Sam said the breathing exercises are called Reichian bodywork.) When I started shaking on the phone with Mike I thought I had accidentally done something wrong, maybe without realizing it I had done the breathing exercises when I was busy talking.

So I called Sam in a panic and told him that when I was talking with Mike the shaking started, and what should I do? Sam said that it was okay and don't worry about it, feelings would start coming up in between sessions.

It took about twenty-four hours of making connections, of remembering how I shook, and Mike saying he was sorry he scared me, and Sam saying it was a feeling, for me to realize that I had felt scared. I never knew what feeling scared felt like, and now I do. That was the beginning of me feeling and knowing it. The next week sadness came up. I felt sad talking to my friend and got tears in my eyes for about one second.

Then a few days ago I woke up at 4 a.m. with a strange sharp feeling in my stomach and ran to the kitchen and got milk. I'm pretty sure that was hunger. (Usually I feel pressure in my head or shake or lose energy, and that's when I know to eat. I've always called that being hungry, or starved, and didn't know that other people felt different when they said they were hungry.)

page 12

April 1, 1980

I'm going to ask Sam to show me what he does and says and looks like and acts like when he's angry. I don't want him to be angry at me, I just want to see him angry. I'll ask him to pretend there is someone there he is angry with and show me what he does.

pages 14,15

I called Sam last night at 7:30 p.m. I told him I was scared of being very angry at him, scared of his anger, and scared of abusing my son. He said to come over right then, so I did. We talked about my son and about keeping him in day care, and what I've done about finding a safe place for him. My son was with a friend for the night. I feel great relief that he's safe and great relief that I don't have to worry about control.

I told Sam that I wanted him to give me baby bottles, and that there was a possibility of a bond forming between us, which I would then break as I moved through the developmental stages. I asked him to enter that dependency relationship, instead of remaining aloof, which is what most therapists do.

Sam asked me what that would mean in terms of time and ideal situations. I was unable to answer thinking of him in that position, I was too scared and sad thinking of how much I need and how likely it is that I won't get it.

Finally I told him what my ideal fantasy would be with someone, not him. I said that my son and I would live with that person, and I wouldn't have to be in charge of meals, and I would be in charge of my son's pre-school and babysitters, and I would get a baby bottle in the morning and at night, and talk over my day in the evening, so I'd know someone was there for me. He asked how long it might take, and my best guess was five years.

Sam said he was going to consider what I asked and give me an answer at another time. He had an unusual expression on his face, and his whole body. Sam's whole body seems to express feelings. His whole body expressiveness had an incredible impact on me.

Then Sam said that someone who had been scheduled for the time when he was seeing me was waiting in his house, and asked if I thought fifteen or twenty minutes was enough for a bottle. I didn't know. I asked if I could wait until after his other appointment and Sam said no, that wouldn't work. So he said, "Let's give it a try."

So he went and heated the milk and came back. (I had brought a bottle and milk with me to show him.)

Sam sat back against the wall and I laid down in his arms and he held me. I felt surrounded by warmth and felt so good. He's so safe for me. I felt comforted all the way deep down into my tummy.

When I was done drinking, Sam held me still. Later he touched me and I got up. Sam asked me how I was doing, and I told him that I felt good.

Then I asked how he felt. Sam said he felt unusual. He'd never done that before. I asked him if it seemed weird. He said no. He seemed to be moving slowly and I felt comforted.

I asked Sam if I seemed young when he was feeding me, and he said yes. Again he had the most unusual, expressive look that I've never seen before all over his face and body.

page 21

9 a.m. April 4, 1980

Last night I lay down to go to sleep early and had a fantasy that I was over at Sam's talking to him and I got angry for about a second in front of him and he saw it. I made an angry face at him. I don't remember what I was angry about now.

Then I lay there awhile longer and felt good, from the inside of me to the outside. It just lasted a short time.

That's the first time that came from the inside of me, the only other time I felt it was when it came from Sam the two times when he held me.

I'm surprised that it could happen so quickly, and I think it's not supposed to. I think it's from doing the breathing the other night. I'm glad, though, because my body feels comfortable again and I'm not feeling the pressure I was feeling.

I woke up this morning and ran to the bathroom, ran back, took a bike ride, and went to do a million things. I have some energy! I'm pretty sure it's connected to feeling angry ( if that's what I really felt, maybe this is just wishful thinking) for that one second. If I'm not holding my anger so tight I have some of my energy!

page 24

I got home from camp (an overnight with a friend) in a panic, and I couldn't figure out why I was scared. I called my friend Mike, and he suggested that I take a hot bath. I did. My tummy relaxed and came out a couple of inches.

Then I called Mike again and talked. I realized that my fear right now is fear of being punished for having feelings.

This fear came up as soon as the fear of being immediately rejected by Sam got calmed down by the phone call yesterday. Although I still think he'll reject me sooner or later.

page 28

3 a.m. April 6, 1980

Sam will love me no matter what I do. An acquaintance, Sandy, says to say this five times an hour. She came up with that statement. After I told her how much I was convinced that Sam would reject me Sandy said to say that. She calls it an affirmation.

At first I couldn't even say it, then I whispered it. Then I said I'm willing to do hard things if it will help me.

Sandy said that Sam loves me in the greater scheme of things because he's my therapist. I know he doesn't. I'm just one of many clients. And probably the most unpleasant and bothersome of all.

page 29

April 8, 1980

I think I am starting to feel anger, hunger, and good in one-second long happenings every so often. I didn't think about feeling good, and wasn't looking for it as a lost emotion.

I thought lack of pain was how people felt when they felt good. I didn't know about this warmth from my inside.

And this morning I felt a little something, like a little cramp in my stomach when I was drinking my bottle. I think that was hunger. I think that is what other people feel instead of their head hurting.

page 32

5:45 a.m. April 9, 1980

Sam called me Monday to tell me our appointment is going to be on Thursday. That's tomorrow. I'm still scared that he is going to reject me.

The level of fear is way down from last week, that was panic. As soon as I see Sam I am going to ask him if he has any thoughts of rejecting me.

Sam amazes me by knowing how to say just what I need to hear, or doing just what I need him to do. I know I'm going to get well, otherwise I wouldn't have found someone good for me. He's so good for me, and the only safe person I've ever found in the whole world.

page 39

6 a.m. April 10, 1980

I just got up from a nap. After seeing Sam my eyes were so sleepy I had to lie down. I feel so peaceful and quiet inside. I told him how I'm feeling the things I'm feeling, and about my son, and about my friends.

Then we talked about what we'd do together. Sam said we'd continue to meet three times a month for fifty minutes, and sometimes we could talk like we have been, and sometimes we'd do direct emotional work, and sometimes breathing exercises, and sometimes get bottles.

I said I want a bottle every time, and to do it until my mouth relaxed. Sam said okay, and went and heated my bottle.

I laid down on his chest and he held me. He smelled good and felt warm. It just takes a minute and then pressure builds in my head and I make a noise that probably sounds very sick. Then he feeds me my bottle. It feels so good in my mouth. I'm aware of a certain pressure that Sam puts on the bottle and that feels good to me. I felt a little bit of a falling sensation and heard stomach noises, I couldn't tell if they were from inside or outside me. Then I felt like I was being rocked, like in a sailboat, as Sam would breathe and I'd go up and down. My mouth relaxed after I felt good awhile.

When Sam said it was time to grow up and be big again I stayed there for a minute and looked at Sam's eyes. I experienced it as looking in his direction, not as actually seeing him.

I think that is a big step for me. Before Sam gave me bottles I liked to look at his eyes, but the other times he gave me the bottle my eyes were shut tight. I couldn't look at him until I got away from him.

Driving home, my mouth felt very different from before, and looked different in my mirror. The good feeling is still there, and I don't want to be around anyone so I can keep this feeling as long as possible.

page 43

5:45 p.m. April 11, 1980

I stopped being suicidal last year in Mexico. I was thirty-two years old, miserable, and lonely and starved for love as always, and I realized that I had made it a long time that way, I managed to make it through the long days and the long long nights. If I had made it that long, I could make it the rest of the way to whatever age I live to be.

One of the things that helped me survive my childhood were occasional kind acts, like when I was seven and a friend of my father's gave me a stuffed dog. I called him Doggie, and always slept with him and he became alive and loved me and never hurt me. I didn't realize he wasn't alive and I had made him that way with my imagination until I was in my first therapy about six years ago. I still feel comforted from stuffed animals and have been sleeping with my son's Teddybear recently.

page 50

I asked Sam if I were his worst client and a horrible bother. He said no. I asked if he thought I could get well with him. He said yes. I laughed and said I thought so too. I asked if he cared about me. He said yes.

page 59

6 a.m. April 14, 1980

I knew I have always taken things literally, which means I don't understand most jokes, and don't have much of a sense of humor. I didn't know that I would take everything Sam says as an order. Now that I know that, I can ask for what I need to hear, like I did this morning.

Now I'm comfortably and efficiently doing my chores, and thinking again. Being bound by Sam's words happens because I need so much from him, and have hope of getting my needs met, so everything Sam says is so important to me, more important than what anyone else could say. The only way I can possibly get my eighteen years of unmet childhood needs met is to get something important for me from everything Sam says and does and feels.

page 70

I need to ask for permission to feel. This taking things literally thing seems to be accelerating. Since Sam told me to do things, and hasn't told me to feel my feelings, I'm not feeling anything.

I think the reason it is accelerating is because I believed Sam the other day when he said he could help me get well and I agree, and I now trust him more than I've ever trusted anyone before.

I have given him all of my power, something I've never done ever before, and so he is all-powerful for me. I won't stop seeing him by my choice from now 'til I get well.

I still expect him to reject me, but the point where I was capable of rejecting him is past. I am having my first thoughts of the possibility that he won't reject me. I can't imagine how I'd feel.

page 75,76

I forgot to write the most important thing. Sam said I sounded angry on the phone. I said, "Oh, maybe I am." I wasn't aware of any special physical response to put with it, but I do remember taking a breath before I said whatever it was that sounded angry. And that's all that happened.

We just went on talking about other things. Nobody got hurt, I didn't get scared. How can it be that something I've been so terrified of can be so small and quiet?

And my fantasies about Sam's reaction to my anger were full of drama, and loud and scary. All Sam did was comment.

All I think about it at this point is--hmm. I'm a little disappointed that I am having so little reaction to finding a lost emotion and daring to express it to Sam, even though I didn't know what I was feeling. Maybe it's because I'm so sleepy my eyes won't stay open.

Today I got up at 4:30 a.m. for my morning bottle. This makes me laugh.

Tomorrow I see Sam! Hurray! I'm going to be so happy to see him. This is a new thing---laughing.

page 80

Getting Well -that's the name of this part

That list will have to wait until later. I ate and I put my Christmas record on to play over and over, The Chipmunk Song, and I'm going to the beach. Grocery shopping will have to wait. I want to go play. Goodbye book.

I had some vanilla ice cream left from Mike's birthday, so I made oatmeal for breakfast and put the ice cream on it. It was really good.

page 85

April 8, 1980

Questions for Sam, and an important thing to tell him:

1. Do you have any thoughts in your mind about terminating me as your client?

2. Is it okay for me to begin an exercise program?

3. Can I have a bottle at the beginning so I can stop when I'm done and still be held some, instead of having to stop because you need me to?

4. I would take your seeing me less than we are now as a rejection and as punishment for feeling my feelings. *******

5. I felt four new feelings this week. ******

energy

hunger

anger

good

6. What did you feel in response to my asking you about commitment and working too hard?

7. I want a picture of Sam feeling.

 The End

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