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TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR THIS SECTION:

5     WHAT LEAVES THE VOIDS WITHIN?

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN

IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOOD

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED FROM SIX TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM SIX TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM SEVEN YEARS TO TWELVE YEARS

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS IN ADULTS

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS IN ADULTS

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS IN ADULTS

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS IN ADULTS

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM SEVEN YEARS TO TWELVE YEARS IN ADULTS

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS IN ADULTS

6    THE POSSIBILITY OF CREATING A NEW MENTAL STRUCTURE

STATEMENTS THAT CAN CREATE NEW MENTAL STRUCTURE

7     EMOTIONS, THE ATMOSPHERE IN WHICH WE LIVE

WHAT ARE EMOTIONS?

WHAT DO EMOTIONS TELL US? 

EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS ARE NOT CAUSED BY EMOTIONS

INNOCENT WISHES ARE LINKED TO EMOTIONS 

HOW TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE'S ANGER DISAPPEAR

THE POWER OF PRETEND

PHASES OF THE HEALING PROCESS 

PERSECUTOR, RESCUER, AND VICTIM, THE DRAMA TRIANGLE

REQUESTS AND DEMANDS

8    ADVANCED LISTENING SKILLS

PRACTICE FOR INTIMACY

HEALING WITH EMOTIONAL RELEASE

note:  CHAPTERS 9 THROUGH END are in continuation page 2

CHAPTER FIVE

WHAT LEAVES THE VOIDS WITHIN?

HOW TO SATISFY NEEDS IN CHILDREN IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOOD

WHAT ARE CLUES IN CHILDREN THAT THERE ARE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT?

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOOD

WHAT ARE CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW MISSING BUILDING BLOCKS IN CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT?

WHAT CAN FILL THE VOIDS IN ADULTS IN HEALING SESSIONS?

"I'm willing to open my eyes

to see your innocence.

A child of God are you,

a mirror of myself."

by Donna Marie Cary, modified by the Devotional Singers

WHAT LEAVES THE VOIDS WITHIN?

The voids within all of us are left in the gaps where our childhood needs were not filled. In order to fill those voids, we need to know what goes in them. We need to know what fulfills those needs in infancy and childhood. Then, as adults, we can, if we choose, find a healing partner to help us fill those voids.

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN

IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOOD

In the six stages of childhood emotional development, the child needs different responses from the parents or parent figures in order to satisfy current needs.  Then the child can move on to the next stage of development.  This same natural progression occurs in this healing process.  When needs are satisfied in an early stage, the adult being healed usually moves on to be healed in the succeeding stage of development.  Sometimes, however, an adult may jump around from one stage to another.   One stage may be safer to deal with initially, and a more difficult stage may be handled later in the healing process. 

Books and resources mentioned in the sections on healing the voids in adults are good books for healthy children, as well. The books were written for normal children. These books and other resources for parents will be noted at the end of the chapter.

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS

From birth to six months of age, a baby will either develop trust or mistrust from the pattern of responses that he receives. His first need is for the satisfaction of hunger, and bodily comfort. His next need is to form a strong bond with a warm woman and man. These will form the basis of the dependent relationships necessary for him to receive satisfaction of his emotional, developmental, and spiritual needs throughout the six stages of his childhood. When these needs are satisfied, the baby develops a foundation that will later be called trust. He will perceive the world to be a good place, that his needs are important, and that he can cry and then be nurtured in a way that feels good. Human babies and toddlers need much holding in arms. I suggest always honoring that request in the first six months, and as frequently as possible thereafter. Hold your baby and young child. Offer him or her as much of the paradise that only the mother and father, or parent figure can give, being held in your arms.

There is a wonderful book for parents called The First Three Years of Life, by Burton L. White. Healthy, loving parents were studied, and their discipline noted. The tips in that book will offer you a way to have a well-behaved child without having to use harsh, harmful discipline.

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS

In the second stage of development, from age six months through about 18 months of age, the baby begins to turn into a toddler, and needs to explore a rich and safe environment. Some conditional attention and limits are now appropriate. (No, you cannot chew on that electric cord, here's a toy instead. No, you cannot bite mommy, you can sit on the floor for awhile now.)

Approximately two thirds of the attention he receives should remain positive and unconditional. To be responsive to these exploratory needs, and yet provide safety, parents can baby-proof the house, with dangerous areas blocked. Parents can allow the toddler to initiate contact when he needs attention, and when he wants to leave and return to the parent in new situations. Pleasant meals with a variety of foods, patience, and parents who are responsive to their own needs are helpful in this stage.

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS

In the third stage of development, from 18 months to three years, the thinking part of the personality begins to be functional to a great degree. The child needs information and reasons; a way to express all feelings; limits set in a caring way; toilet training; a continuation of some positive attention; and time spent doing pleasurable activities with the parent figures.

The needs in this stage will be unsatisfied if the parent does things for the child that the child can do for himself, including some problem-solving. If expectations are too high or too low; if parenting is inadequate, inconsistent, or competitive, needs will be unmet. Also, if the child is allowed to hit peers or parents, go out of control, or control the parents, needs will be unmet.

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS

In the next stage of development, from approximately age 3 to 7, the child begins to test his own power. Parenting that satisfies the needs in this stage include help separating fantasy from reality; and allowing the child to do what he can for himself, including some problem-solving. A child's budding awareness of sexuality and gender need clear and correct information. He needs to know that his own body is okay, and gain age appropriate information about privacy and safety, and learn caution rather than fear. He needs to know the reasons for rules, and do a reasonable amount of arguing about the rules.

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS

The child needs to learn tools to argue and negotiate in a way that takes other people into consideration. He needs to have many experiences in doing things. This is a great time for scout clubs and team sports. Much of the child's interest will be on the rules. He needs to learn the reason for rules, and be permitted to argue about the rules. Guidelines that help the child develop, think, and take personal responsibility are needed. The child needs to learn about the negative aspects of the world. He needs to learn that not all people do good things to other people, and that there are people in the world who hurt others, animals, and the earth. Without scaring himself, he needs to learn ways to judge people and situations, and learn how to exit from negative situations, and protect himself from danger. He needs to learn to finish tasks.

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS

The child needs to be trusted and accepted unconditionally for himself. Misbehavior need not be accepted, but the child himself must have this acceptance. He needs to receive clear sexual information and knowledge of protection. He will begin to have sexual fantasies. He may or may not have sexual experiences. He will re-visit all of the previous developmental stages. He needs to realize that he is responsible for the outcomes of his choices. He ultimately needs to separate from his dependency on parents, and become independent. Parents need a firm foot on their values, and to be skilled in offering choices that lead to positive outcomes.

Here are some examples of choices for teens:

If you don't come home by your weekend curfew, then I get the car keys.

If you leave the good towels in a heap where they can mildew, you will then use the oldest towels.

If you don't wash the good sheets often enough, or dry them on too high a setting, you will then use old sheets.

If you are rude, I get all of your makeup (or music tapes or CD's, etc).

If you don't respond when I ask you questions, or want you home, I get your portable cassette player.

If you make a mess, you clean it.

If you waste electricity, soap, toilet paper, etc., it will be subtracted from your allowance.

The items can be returned as soon as the teen has sincerely thought about the misbehavior and agreed on a change. For repeated infractions the items can be kept longer. It is very important not to keep these treasures of your teen too long, as you don't want him to give up and stop improving.) Avoid giving second chances, else the testing will never end. (If testing seems endless, get your teen checked for depression.)

Limits for teens need to include time with peers, very important for their growth, yet not so much time as to offer many opportunities for mischief. An hour or two with friends on school days, and going to an event or movie, plus time for a soda afterwards on weekends is enough. The occasional sleepover is great, offering opportunities to observe different value systems in other homes while enjoying a friendship. Make sure, however, that you speak with the other parents each time, to know for sure that your teen will be there.

There is a sway in adolescence, from your teen wanting you to care for them in an infantile way again, to moodily demanding to be treated as an adult a few minutes later. This is normal! Hormones, very strong chemicals, are pumping through their body. They are learning to cope with strong new sexual feelings, along with a great surge for independence. Just try to respond to the shifts as well as you can! You may have a teenager with a job objecting to paying his own phone bill, while asking you to treat him as an adult.

It is helpful to point these things out in a way that does not make your teen feel wrong or embarrassed regarding these shifts. He is trying to sort out all these changes and growth in his own mind, and your comments, in a friendly, neutral tone, can help.

Peers become very important, and are indeed important for your teen's growth and development. When behavior becomes excessive, set choices that will lead your teen in the direction of moderation.

When you feel angry or concerned, that is a signal to you that it is time to set a limit and choices. Remind your teen that the choices he makes, and the outcomes of his choices will either make his life easier or harder. If he learns this now, it will help him in his entire adult life. He will take responsibility for his choices, rather than blaming others or luck.

You might point out that some people make choices of companions and behaviors that lead them to jail, hospital wards, drug treatment, while other people make choices that lead to job training, education, and rewarding careers. What will they choose?

Your expectations are very powerful with your child. Let him know that you are sure he will make good choices, and compliment him when he makes them. When he makes a poor choice, you can simply comment that you are sure there was a lesson he wanted to learn by his choice. Then compliment him for learning the lesson when he does.

The parent of a teen needs to be ready for deep sharing of concerns at odd moments. The feelings may be shared as the teen is taking the trash out, or on the way out to see friends. These feelings or concerns may be shared quite casually, as a way of testing the safety of your receptivity. You may be startled, and not respond. Then, after you have had time to think about the comment, you can casually bring it up again. "You said you felt sometimes that you are (good for nothing, upset, worried, whatever the comment from the teen was). Are you having a hard time at school, with friends, here at home? ..... listen..... "How can I help?" ..... listen.

Adolescence has been called the age of embarrassment. My junior high age son was embarrassed in the shopping mall. We were walking along an almost deserted hallway, and no one was near us. He asked me not to talk until we got to the car, because he was so embarrassed. When we got to the car, he told me that I had called him "honey" in public! He was afraid someone might hear me.

It is tougher now to be a teen than it ever was. Many teens are unsupervised much of the time, as both parents work. Aids is a fact of life now. One sexual contact with someone with the virus can transmit this disease, as easily as kissing someone with a cold can pass on the cold virus. Sexual contact that can be deadly in the future is a hard concept for teens to understand, as they often think that they are immortal. Because you cannot go everywhere your teen goes, and they need to learn to make responsible decisions, the reality of Aids and its prevention must be discussed. Don't think you can skip this part of your job with your teen, thinking that he or she will remain a virgin until marriage. No matter how uncomfortable you may be discussing this subject with your teen, dealing with a dying child in the future would be thousands of times worse.

I have known several teens whose parents were sure that their teens were not sexually active. One had been sexually active for two years! These teens had used inadequate birth control prevention, foam, and had not used condoms with nonoxynol -9, which offers some protection against the Aids virus. Some of the teen music and some teen idols encourage sex, and encourage sex with both genders. Some young people, confused about their sexuality, and missing many building blocks of emotional health, are playing Russian roulette by leading promiscuous sex lives. The transmission of Aids is high in this age group.

Arguing about your rules and values is your teen's way of beginning to establish his own. True listening, and occasionally letting your teen win the argument is valuable for him. When you disagree with him, let him know that you appreciate his point of view, even though it differs from yours, but you will stick to yours in the home you have created. When he creates a home, he can create his own guidelines.

TV is not contributing much to your teen. I suggest no TV during the school week, and on the weekends,two hours a day or a whole video if it is something you approve, something that will benefit him, and an hour a day if you don't approve of his choice. How much of what is on TV or in videos is beneficial to him?

Your teen will own more of his knowledge if it is from a book. When people read information, they perceive it as their own acquisition. There is some thinking and mental work involved in absorbing written ideas. It can be absorbed at one's own pace. When people see information on a screen, they perceive it as someone else's ideas. They tend to think less about it. Leave good books and magazines in easy reach around the house. When the TV is off, and there's not much else to do, if you don't pressure your teen, he will likely start picking up books.

Reassure your teen of your unconditional love for him. Let him know that even though you may not love the same music or friends or activities, you love him, and will always love him. Kids need to hear your love spoken, and still need hugs. They may want to put their head on your lap when you read or watch TV. They just don't want these demonstrations in public, or in front of their peers.

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

A baby who fails to gain weight and grow is in danger of dying. Extremely serious lacks lead to this condition. A baby that rejects closeness shows a need for help. Continuous feeding problems, including a refusal to eat, indicate lacks. Continuous crying shows a problem in this stage. Frequent bowel problems can indicate a stressed baby.

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

A baby at the extremes, either very passive or quite hyperactive indicates problems. A nervous baby who cries easily shows a need for help. A baby who does not explore his environment and initiate interaction with others shows difficulties in growth. One with poor muscular coordination, who harms himself frequently without learning some caution shows a lack in development. Asthma and allergies can be a reaction to emotional difficulties. Asthma can mean "I am starving emotionally."

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

A child who has frequent temper tantrums shows a lack in emotional development. One who loses control, bites and kicks frequently shows a need for help. A withdrawn, fearful, or passive toddler is giving clues that help is needed. A child who is not beginning to take other people's feelings into account and is still totally self-centered shows clues that there are problems and lacks in this stage.

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

The child at the extremes of shyness or bullying with other children shows a lack in this stage. A child who lacks social skills in order to play well with children shows problems. Bed-wetting and nightmares can indicate a need for help. Refusal to eat the family meals, and an insistence on special food rituals can indicate problems. An extremely fearful child, or one with great fears when separating from the parent shows a need for help. An extremely passive or excessively "good" child may need help. School learning problems are a clue to a problem.

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

A child who is excessively worried about his school or sport activity performance indicates problems in this stage. Extreme behavior problems, ongoing lying, cheating, stealing at home or school show a need for help. Lack of completion of chores and schoolwork show a problem. Physical problems, such as frequent stomach aches, headaches, and ulcers indicate higher than normal stress, and a need for help.

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

When rules are too relaxed, the child searches for limits. They may act out to the point of police, hospital, or social service involvement in their search for limits.

When teens act out consistently, in spite of appropriate limits, underlying depression may be the cause. When teens are depressed, they don't always look depressed the way adults do. Instead, they act out over and over again. Community clinics offer low-cost help. Group treatment with peers is highly effective with teens.

If your teenager is making suicidal threats, such as "someone should just kill me," or suicidal gestures such as extreme limitation of food intake, take these signs as a red flag that immediate professional help is needed. Let his school know of your concerns. Extra support may be available there. Adolescence is a time of impulsive behavior, and a suicidal, impulsive teen needs help fast. When they decide to take action, it is often fast and without warning. Ignoring these red flags could cost your teen his life.

A delay in sexual and physical development can indicate possible problems, if in conjunction with other difficulties. A promiscuous teen may be attempting to get nurture by being sexual, and is indicating problems in this stage. A teen who is impulsive, has few inner controls regarding expression of feelings and behavior indicates lacks in development. Extreme rebelliousness or extremely passive behavior shows unmet needs. Hygiene shows a problem at the two extremes, overconcern with cleanliness, or a total lack of concern. Teens that run away rather than dealing with their problems show emotional and developmental lacks. Dependency on drugs, and on peers to the exclusion of the family indicate problems in this stage. Over-exercising and under-eating, over-eating, or excluding several food groups shows serious problems.

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN

IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOOD

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS

SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS

Jacqui Schiff, the pioneer of the original method of healing from which this method grew, described parental behaviors that result in needs in the first six months of life in response to hunger being unsatisfied. Here are the mechanics of the creation of profound voids that lead to eating disorders. They are:

1. Over-responsiveness

The baby only puts out minimal energy, and does not develop frustration tolerance.

2. Overfeeding

The baby associates discomfort with gratification.

3. Non-association of hunger to gratification of eating

This can occur with neglected or starving babies, handicapped babies, or premature babies, especially if tube-fed.

4. Reluctant nursing

A tense mother can inhibit the flow of milk. The baby can feel unsatisfied and frustrated.

5. Agitated feeding

The baby will feel the feeding person's agitation, and be uncomfortable.

6. Absence of touching and nurture during feeding

A baby that is left with a propped bottle, and lacks holding, touching and talking will be grossly unsatisfied.

A baby is born with what I call "bonding energy," enough to bond strongly to a warm man and woman. When he is unable to use that energy or any portion of that energy to bond, he uses that energy still available and unused to either adapt, or in more difficult situations, to survive. The development of attachment to both a female and male is a prerequisite for later successful relationships with either gender. I first formulated these ideas as I began to heal in 1980. The following is an excerpt from the journal I kept, that I called "Coming Alive."

Every baby needs two warm, caring people, one of each sex, who will feed him when he's hungry, comfort the baby when he's uncomfortable, personally take care of him a sufficient amount of the time, and form a bond with him until these baby needs are met, at approximately one year of age. If any of the above needs are unmet to the degree that it causes the baby unbearable, intolerable pain, the baby will become psychotic. Some other causes of psychosis are physical pain from accident or illness, lack of any person to bond with during the adoption process, starvation (being fed by the clock rather than by the baby's need) neglect, rejection for being the wrong sex baby for those parents, or not being wanted by those parents at that time.

In some cases, the baby is unable to form a bond with one parent, and bonds to an object instead, according to my new theory. I also theorize that some deaf-mute people with no physical impairments may be catatonic schizophrenics who heard unbearable, intolerable noise when they were newborns, and turned off hearing instead of movement, which is what most catatonic schizophrenic people block.

More new theory is that a baby is born with just enough energy to bond to a man and a woman. When that doesn't happen, I think that the baby uses that available, unused energy in a different way in order to survive in his situation. Some of these babies need to turn off some degree of feelings in order to survive, and others need to turn off some degree of their mind. (This happens with all babies, I think, to some degree. The difference is in the amount of feeling and thinking that psychotic babies need to stop, and in the degree that the bonding process is incomplete.) The extra energy that wasn't used in bonding is used to go crazy, a tool that the baby needs to use to survive, and a portion of the baby's mind or feelings and senses are cut off with that energy.

There is a limit to the amount of pain that any human being can tolerate, and when that limit is reached, life is no longer desirable and the person chooses to die. When baby needs are grossly unmet, the baby is close to the human limit of pain. Also, any unbearable, intolerable trauma in babyhood brings the baby very close to that limit.

The baby will then grow older chronologically, but his real age, the age he is emotionally, will not grow until his emotional wounds are healed and his baby needs are met.

Inappropriate sexual behaviors involving a child can result in trauma to the child as well as unsatisfied emotional needs in any stage of development. Parents discomfort with sexuality can be passed on to the child, either by repression, or by considering the child as a seducer, and inappropriately involving the child in sexual comments or behavior.

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED FROM SIX TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS

Actions that will block satisfaction of these baby and toddler needs are toilet training before eighteen months, force feeding, punishment for touching and exploring, too many "no's," too many "yesses," long restriction in a crib or playpen, emphasis on neatness, cleanliness, and performance, and constant or over-frequent initiation and stimulation from the parent or other person, including siblings.

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS

When parents do things for the child that the child could do, and solve all of his problems for him, this will block satisfaction of the need to begin thinking and problem-solving. Expecting more than the child of this age can do, or having no or low expectations causes voids. Inconsistency causes voids. Permitting the child to hit parents or others causes a void.

This is a time to learn the very basics of social control. This is the appropriate time for toilet training. Lack of expectation in this area will cause the need for this self-control to be unsatisfied. Inadequate parenting will result in voids. For example, a parent who tells his child what to do, is ignored, and does nothing is going to create a void in this stage.

Parent Effectiveness Training courses are available in many areas for parents who need help in this area. In addition, the books The First Three Years of Life, and Parent Effectiveness Training can be good guides. "Parent Magazine" offers good tips on disciplining young children, as well.

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS

The child's needs will be unsatisfied if he is scared or teased into behaving, and if fears are reinforced rather than explained. If the parents blame the child for their feelings and/or behavior, the child's needs will not be met. If the parent withdraws nurturing from the child, the needs will be unmet. Parental distortions of reality and prejudices are passed on to the child.

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS

When parents are competitive, the child's needs are not met. Rules that are too rigid leave no room for the child to learn to think to solve problems. Instead they must blindly follow the rules. When rules are too relaxed, the child searches for limits, and will continue to misbehave until he finds that limit. When the parent is domineering and pushy, the child's needs get left out. When parents solve problems for the child that the child could solve, the child's needs for growth are not satisfied. Tough Love is a great support group for parents, training them to have clear guidelines and choices, learn to listen effectively, and have one consistent "bottom line" per week. You do not need to have a child in trouble to attend! You can go to avoid trouble, or just to learn. You will learn to create guidelines that allow for your child's growth, and gain many helpful ideas from other parents.

HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS

Voids can be created by seductive parents. If the child's needs for nurturing and acceptance are ignored, his needs will be unsatisfied. Either too many rules for this age child, or an absence or removal of the rules will leave needs unmet. If parents take away all pleasures as punishment, the child may give up on solving problems. This pleasureless life will leave voids and pain.

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS

The clues in adults that show lacks in this stage of development are in chapter one. When a person's needs were partially unsatisfied, he will exhibit only one or two of the clues in any stage. When the needs were grossly unsatisfied, he will have many of the clues pointing to these voids.

An adult whose behavior is stuck in flight, fight or freeze reactions to life has unmet needs in this stage. They will have a fear of abandonment or of being overwhelmed by another person. They will constantly try to please others whom they see as parental or authoritative. They have difficulty knowing their own boundaries.

People at the extremes of activity, either hyperactive or very passive, lifeless and listless show unmet needs here. Those who are frequently bored, and lack creative abilities show needs here. Obsessive, compulsive and hysterical behavior indicates needs in this stage.

Someone with awkward movements, unaware of his body or feelings has unmet needs. Those who are accident-prone, who frequently injure themselves show needs here. One who uses a favorite maneuver to get attention, such as acting sick or stupid or constantly happy, or acting the intellectual whiz, or always in motion, with never a rest, shows a need in this stage. Physical problems such as asthma, migraines, and vision can stem from voids in this stage. Their fear masks their anger. They project their feelings onto others.

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS

Adults who show a lack in this stage may have a stiff neck. They may have diarrhea frequently, or constipation, or uncontrollable discharges of energy.

They are contrary: "I can't, I won't, you can't make me." They are negative, oppositional, and controlling. They resist endlessly. When asked questions, they will control by long pauses, "I don't know," answers; the person asking the questions will feel angry.

Other people's feelings are not important to people with lacks in this stage. They are very messy or very tidy. They are either over-weight or under-weight. Their anger masks their other feelings.

They may be super-responsible, then collapse to try to get cared for. They may feel that they must be in a relationship to feel safe. In the relationship, they may try to please the partner to such an extent that they give up their own needs and wishes.

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS

An adult who acts a drama of an evil person, a person going crazy, or acting scary or powerful has unmet needs in this stage. He has nightmares, and thinks he is the cause of unrelated events happening (magical thinking).

Someone with voids in this stage looks for Santa Claus, "I wish"... "I hope"... "When things get better". He scares himself, "I shouldn't"... "I"m not allowed to."

He converts his emotions from one feeling to another, he turns his anger into hurt, joy into sorrow, fear into anger (inappropriate emotional responses).

Physical problems showing needs in this stage may be circulatory problems, chest pains and palpitations, muscular binding in the chest, and a raised or lowered metabolic rate. This person has not gotten the tools that tell him how to use the signals of his emotions to help his life.

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM SEVEN YEARS TO TWELVE YEARS

A seductive person, or one who has sexual identity problems has needs in this stage. They may be latently homosexual. They are argumentative. Either they suffer while learning, or their performance is not good enough unless they are number one.

They do not complete tasks, or do so with great difficulty. They are harried, pleasing others, perfectionistic, and rigid. They do without thinking. They use guilt to motivate. They ignore their feelings to get things done. They live in the past or future.

Physical problems in this stage may be ulcers, headaches, chest pains or high blood pressure. They may have muscular binding in the area of the rib cage. Males with voids in this stage may have extra fatty tissue in their breasts. Females with voids here may have a body shape more typical of males, due to distribution of their body fat.

This person does not know that he does not have to do things perfectly the first time, or that he isn't expected to already know everything.

CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS

One who is a frequent sexual joke teller, or talks about his latest sexual event (fantasy or reality), shows unmet needs here. He acts blatantly seductive. He is not nurturing, he wants the "real action."

He may have acne. He may have a delay in sexual development.

He is extremely one-up, vengeful, and self-centered. He lacks intimate relationships. He continues to seek others to meet his unsatisfied needs, and becomes dependent on them. He may be depressed. He may have eating disorders.

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS IN ADULTS

The information above regarding the nurture or lack of nurture for a baby from birth to six months makes it obvious that the healing partner must be a warm, calm, and nurturing person. In order to heal these missing building blocks, the healing partner must possess the building blocks within herself or himself.

In an hour or two a week, the receiving partner can be held by the healing partner, cry and be fed a warm baby bottle of milk or goat's milk or juice in response to the cry, and be held. There will be time in a session for the receiving partner to talk afterwards, and/ or express feelings regarding the session in progress, or memories from childhood. There is no set routine. Each receiving partner can create his own routine, at his own pace.

Some people may find expressing feelings far too threatening, and may simply be held and fed week after week. There is no hurry. The main lesson to be learned by the receiving partner is the healthy infant sequence of feeling a need, asking for that need, and receiving satisfaction of that need from the healing partner.

The need is so great in humans for this early feeding and holding that the receiving partner may go on to all of the other stages, and still wish to be held and fed at some point in the treatment hour. I suggest that this request always be honored.

A nice introduction to being held, if there is a group setting, is to have the whole group surround the receiving partner, who lies on the floor. Then carefully, the receiving partner is lifted by the group. While holding the person, and gently rocking him or her back and forth, the group can hum a lullaby.

There are various ways to "hold" an adult, to re-create the feeling of being held as a child. One way is to sit on a sofa, and have the receiving partner sit very close, facing the back of the sofa, with knees bent. Then the receiving partner leans over the healing partner's chest, and rests his or her head on the healer's chest. The main weight of the receiving partner is on his own buttocks on the sofa next to the healer. It is useful to show the hesitant new receiving partners that they are not heavy by letting them hold the healing partner, or someone else, for a moment. The healing partner needs to have a supply of tissues handy, and also to cover his chest area with a clean, soft towel. Many tears come with this healing process.

It is important to have a clear understanding that the healing partner will care for the inner child of the receiving partner during the healing sessions, and that the receiving partner has full responsibility for his or her life outside of the session time.

The receiving partner may need to wait a few minutes after the session to "grow up" enough to drive. Homework for the receiving partner can be taking a nice bubble bath to the sound of soothing music, and finishing up with baby oil or baby powder.

Gentle massage can be a very helpful weekly adjunct to healing sessions. The safest gender for the receiving partner can be the first masseuse tried, with the other gender massaging at some point in the future. It is very important that the massages are gentle and non-intrusive.

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS IN ADULTS

The main lesson for the receiving partner to learn as an adult re-creating this stage is to become aware of the "I want" impulses within, and begin to act on them. Examples of these 'wants' are described in Chapter Seven in the Innocent Wishes section.

One exercise to open this awareness of wants and wishes is for the receiving partner to sit on the floor, soften or unfocus the eyes slightly, and look around. He may want to remove his eyeglasses. He can then move toward anything that interests him. A collection of children's toys, stuffed animals, dolls, books, coloring books and crayons, rattles and pacifiers are useful for this and the succeeding stages. Some homework for the receiving partner can be to write a list of the "wants" and the "don't wants." When wants are difficult to identify, it can be easier to start with what is not wanted.

Bottle or spoon-feeding will usually be requested by receiving partners. It is always important to plan time for meeting these needs. Feeding should begin with the receiving partner's request, and end when they signal that they are through. Holding should always be a part of bottle feeding.

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS IN ADULTS

A main lesson in healing is for the receiving partner to realize that both others and self have needs and feelings, and to learn to negotiate. A person with Borderline Personality Disorder will need to heal this stage of development. This type of person may cling to a partner in a relationship, wanting care, and then angrily push away from the partner for not being perfect.

Some receiving partners may focus so much on others' needs that they need to focus for a time on their own, and later move on to include the other person's needs in their thinking. Another may focus only on self, and need to begin including others.

An attitude that there is plenty of time, attention and things to go around, and that skills of negotiation can be learned will be helpful. The book, I Feel Guilty When I Say No, by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D., is useful here, as assertiveness tools are taught in a considerate way. There are easy dialogues in the book, identified in the table of contents, for those who don't want to read the whole book.

"I" statements are an important skill for these receiving partners to learn. A good book that has dialogues that teach "I" statements and when to use them is Parent Effectiveness Training, by Dr. Thomas Gordon.

A useful exercise for the healing sessions is to suggest that as the receiving partner play with toys, that they say "No" frequently, and for no particular reason. You can show them a doll or stuffed animal, and tell them to pretend that this toy loves to say no, and demonstrate. Walk the toy, and say, "No, no, no."

A useful homework assignment is to suggest that the receiving partner continue life as usual, but say "no" mentally as often as possible. ("No, I don't want to get up. No, I don't want to talk to you. No, I don't want to do this.)

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS IN ADULTS

Clear and simple guidelines are needed. Limits to keep others, self, and property safe are important. (Examples: The rule is that you can't hurt yourself, others, or the property. Here is a soft foam mat for hitting or kicking, and a soft foam bat for hitting, and soft foam balls for throwing.)

Clean-up times and rules must be set. Choices must be clear and consistent. (If you throw that toy, I'll take it away. If you don't clean up the toys, you'll have to wait while I clean them up, and I can't hold you until they are all cleaned up. If you hit her, you'll have to sit by yourself until you are ready to behave.)

Many explanations of feelings, reasons and reality are needed. Encourage questions rather than assumptions. (No, you are not a wild animal because you have feelings. All little boys and girls have feelings. I'm not going away next week because I'm mad at you. I'm taking time off to take care of myself so that I can come back and have plenty to give to you.) Give honest, age appropriate (to the inner child of the receiving partner) answers. Have children's books available on feelings and bodies. A good one is "Where Did I Come From?", by Peter Mayle. A good coloring book is It's O.K. to Say NO!, by RGA Creation.

Good homework for this and succeeding stages is a trip to the toy or craft store. Suggest that they look for age appropriate toys for their inner child.

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM SEVEN YEARS TO TWELVE YEARS IN ADULTS

This is a time for the receiving partner to learn conflict resolution. He needs to stand up for his point of view based on his reasons. He needs to learn that there are many points of view. He needs to figure out what works versus what "is right," in his point of view. If this is quite difficult for the receiving partner, he likely has earlier voids that need filling. Good homework for this stage is to do a building project designed for the age of the inner child. Puzzles and crafts and models to build are available for the various ages, interests, and levels of difficulty needed. Discuss picking tasks that are not too hard, beyond the age of the inner child.

SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS IN ADULTS

This is a time for many questions to be answered. The receiving partner will go through the adolescent sway, and may have questions and show needs that relate to the earlier stages of development. Many sexual questions will arise, and need thoughtful, informed answers, or a suggestion of where to look for more information. He needs to think about making thoughtful, informed choices regarding his sexuality, rather than impulsive ones. He will need to learn that it is alright not to do what he does not want to do, and that he can make up his own mind. He may need guidance to explore career change ideas in small steps, rather than a dramatic change. He can volunteer, "shadow" someone working in the new field of interest, or take a short course. He can gain a realistic sense of the new career idea. Then he can thoughtfully design changes in his life.

A good children's book on sexuality to have handy is What's Happening to Me?, by Peter Mayle. The receiving partners will be very interested in the pictures and story.

A receiving partner may become sexually interested in the healing partner. This is because the healing partner is the safest person with whom to first experience these feelings. A recognition of the beauty of the receiving partner's blooming celebration for life is appropriate. You can honor that person's feelings, and let him know that you never have sex with receiving partners. Sexual contact between a healing partner and a receiving partner is never appropriate. Stopping the healing sessions may also be inappropriate, as you may then demonstrate that this is not a safe subject to discuss. It is a time to discuss how the receiving partner can think about appropriate and safe sexual contacts.

Sexual contact between the receiving partner and the healing partner will be perceived as incestuous by the receiving partner, even if he initiated it. The need for safe parenting in this stage would be violated, and the healing of this building block would be voided if sexual relations occur. It is also against the law for professional healers to engage in sexual activities with clients.

Bibliography and resources:

Poem at beginning, original lyrics by Donna Marie Cary, from her cassette album "Real Love," c. 1992, P.O.Box 358, Owensboro, KY 42302. Telephone (502)685-2588.

Poem at beginning modified by The Devotional Singers, led by Wendy and Mark Grimwood, P.O. Box 234055, Encinitas, CA 92023, telephone (619) 632-7785.

Tough Love. The National Tough Love address is P.O. Box 1069, Doylestown, PA 18901. Telephone: (215) 348-7090. Fax: (215) 348-9874.

Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope for information about groups near you, and an assessment guide for parents. This organization was started by psychology professionals, teaching parents the skills they offer in counseling.

It is run entirely by parents, for parents. It offered me more help with my son than anything else I had tried. You can learn to be a consistent parent, be in control of your household, and stand up for your rights in your home.

No one will tell you what to do, but you will get great ideas. You will get coaching on true listening from other parents, and learn to figure out what is your responsibility rather than your older child's responsibility. You will learn to have one bottom line a week, rather than being too lax or too harsh. You will also meet some very nice parents just like you, doing the best they can. It presently costs only $2 a week in my area.

Child Development, by Neil J. Salkind, c. 1994, Harcourt Brace & Company, Orlando, Florida.

"Corrective Parenting." by Brenda Schaeffer, c. 1977, Trans-Pubs, San Francisco, CA. A chart showing ages and stages of development, needs, corrections needed, and problems in childhood by stage.

The First Three Years of Life, by Burton L. White, c. 1975, Prentiss Hall, NJ. Learn to discipline as you meet your baby's needs. Since most of the population had grew up in dysfunctional families, most of us need to know how to teach our babies and toddlers without damaging them. Here are loving ways that work.

I Feel Guilty When I Say No, by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D., c. 1975, Bantam Books, NY,NY. This book could be titled "Tools for effective, considerate, assertive communication." This book is a wonderful addition to a home library. The dialogues can be practiced with teens, and will teach skills to the whole family.

It's O.K. to Say NO!, an RGA Creation, published by Playmore, Inc., Publishers and Waldman Publishing Corp., NY,NY. This is an excellent coloring book teaching bodily privacy and protection, good for all young children.

"Growth and Development." Pam Levin, c. 1974, Trans-Pubs, San Francisco, CA. This is a useful chart on emotional growth and development, by stages, including needs in each stage.

Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon, c. 1970, P.H. Wyden, NY, NY. This is the original primer of true listening. This book teaches you to define who has the problem; you, the other person, or both of you. Then it teaches what problem-solving tool to use. The proper use of "I" statements is taught.

What's Happening to Me?, by Peter Mayle, c. 1975, published by Lyle Stuart Inc., 120 Enterprise Ave., Secaucus, NJ 07094. This is a great introduction to puberty for your adolescent. Pictures and story answer all your teen's basic questions. It claims to have the answers to the world's most embarrassing questions!

Where Did I Come From?, by Peter Mayle, c. 1973, published by Lyle Stuart Inc., 120 Enterprise Ave., Secaucus, NJ 07094. Toddlers to twelve year olds will enjoy this book. This explains the birds and the bees, with pictures.

Parent Magazine

There are only two "shoulds" in life, two acts we must all do. What comes to mind when I say this? Many people say that the two "shoulds" are death and taxes. However, paying taxes is a choice. Those who do not pay taxes may pay the consequences instead. The only two "musts" are that we must first live until our physical body dies, and second, our physical body must someday die. Everything else is a choice.

Adults have many internal rules that help us live our life easily and somewhat automatically. For example, we do not have to decide every day if we should brush our teeth, because at some point most of us have decided to make brushing our teeth on a regular basis a "should" in our lives. This saves us time and effort, so we don't have to rethink everything in our lives every day. All of our internal rules, or "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts," "do's and don'ts" came from a decision we once made about each rule.

Some of the decisions we made regarding our personal list of rules were made thoughtfully, as adults aware of the world around us. Others were made when we were small children, toddlers. We decided on some of our "shoulds" when we didn't know anything about the world. Our only world was that of our parent figures, siblings, and those people who touched our lives directly.

Many people entering personal growth courses and therapy begin to examine their internal list of "shoulds." A friend of mine went to counseling. His counselor told him to make a list of his "shoulds" as he went about his days, and then bring the list to examine it together. The counselor took a look at the long list and told my friend, "You are 'shoulding' on yourself!" My friend took a careful look at his list and discarded most of the "shoulds." He felt as if a burden had lifted. All we really need as adults is enough "shoulds" to take care of our own well-being and to be thoughtful and caring of other people in our lives.

When other people speak to us from the position of their own "shoulds," it is often difficult for us to listen to them objectively. We often react defensively. We tend not to want to have someone else's "shoulds" imposed on us. Following is a way to step around this often unpleasant emotional impact, and turn the exchange into a pleasant and empowering one, rather than being at the mercy of others' judgements and criticisms. This skill is learning to look for and acknowledge the positive commitment, unspoken, behind the negative words.

Words of judgment and criticism are difficult for most people to handle. The skill of looking for the positive background commitment is especially valuable if the person criticizing you is in a relationship with you, your parents, spouse, children, employer, etc.

When you hear words of criticism, take some quiet time by yourself. Look behind the critical, judgmental words for the positive commitment. The next time you see the person, acknowledge their positive commitment to you. For example, to the mother of a single adult, who criticizes her grown son for staying out late on work nights, the son could see her commitment to his well-being, his need for enough sleep, and her commitment to his success in life, that he is rested enough to do a good job at work. He could then say to her, "I want to acknowledge your love for me, and your commitment to my health and to my success on my job. Thanks, Mother." Or to the perfectionistic, pushy boss, "Thanks for your commitment to excellence. And thanks for wanting me to do my best. I want you to know that I'm also committed to doing an excellent job for you, and to doing my best."

When you look for the positive commitment, and speak to that, you will remove yourself from the parent/child trap that we can so easily get into with authority figures. Then we uncomfortably either adapt or rebel. You will also avoid falling into the trap of returning judgment and criticism to the one who criticized you, which becomes a vicious circle. In addition, you avoid becoming entangled in thoughts that there is only one right way to speak, your way, your therapist's way, the "right" way.

When I first began to heal, and regressed to childhood, I had no internal structure. The old "shoulds" from my parents were not available to me. I was unable to function in any way except as a small child. I discovered that I could ask my healing partner to tell me "should" statements. Then I could function within the parameters of that statement.

The imperative statements created a new mental structure within my mind. I could now function again. I could drive and shop and do the necessary chores of adulthood. But once necessary chores were done, I was in the state of a child. I was finally living a childhood, playing and intensely feeling my emotions, and learning. These new "you should" statements helped me function safely in that childlike state.

The imperative statements that offered me a temporary new mental structure as I healed also were to prove beneficial to other people. Sometimes people would need to hear all of the statements, as I did. Sometimes a person would only need one particular statement to help fill a missing building block from their childhood.

Here's an example of someone who only needed to hear one statement. One healer had only one experiential session with me, as an adjunct to the short class for healers I taught. He was a primal therapist, adept at working with his emotions, and releasing old feelings from his childhood. As he lay down to work with his feelings, he offered many reassuring statements to me. In response to all of the unnecessary caretaking, I told him one of the statements that was helpful to me, "You don't have to take care of me." This man sat up, and said, "I needed to hear that. I feel like something is getting re-wired in my brain!" This was a person who had experienced a fairly loving, normal childhood, rather than someone as damaged as I had been. Yet the words he needed had great power and meaning to him, and he had the same experience I had, of feeling like his brain was being re-wired.

I also had frightening experiences of mistaken statements. Fortunately my healing partner avoided the use of imperative statements much of the time.

I received most of the statements that helped me by my request, one per session. That gave me time to see how I was helped or badly affected by this statement.

However, a seemingly harmless statement from my healing partner at the end of a healing session, "Take good care of yourself" had me soon losing my emotions, my "new child." I was always aware of the latest statement from my healing partner. I experienced the words as if they were written in my brain. Later other people were to describe that exact same experience. So I called my healing partner on the phone, and asked him to tell me to forget the words "Take good care of yourself." Within about twenty minutes I returned to my childhood state, feeling my emotions again.

Another mistaken statement from my healing partner caused me enter a catatonic state. I sometimes suffered as a result of my sensitivity to these messages. But I felt that I suffered so that other people being healed after me would not have to suffer. I found the minimal number of statements supportive of emotional growth and health by trial and error. Hopefully, those following me would have only to hear the ones that are helpful.

Healers must remember that all "you" statements can cause incorrect mental structure to be formed in receptive clients. That is why it is so important for healers to use "I" statements, other than the "you statements" listed here.

Why are words so powerful for some people at times? In this healing process, it is because of a magnificent power exchange between the receiving partner and the healing partner. As the receiving partner begins to trust the healing partner, he realizes internally, probably not consciously, that he can receive the parental building blocks that he needs. He feels a sense of safety within the atmosphere created by the healing partner. This is one way a receiving partner who feels very powerless can give his power to someone he hopes can meet his needs. Babies are powerless, and the adults who care for them are very powerful. The receiving partner gives his power to the healing partner, which he will take back step by step as his early building blocks are filled, and he eventually grows up anew. The imperative words of the healing partner and the experiences in the healing sessions are magnified in importance. This provides an opportunity for the receiving partner to experience a babyhood or childhood in an hour or two a week.

Words in general can have power for children and some adults, especially if they are imperative sentences, the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts," the "do's and don'ts," . Small children and some adults take words literally. This is an important reason to use words with care. Avoid using words in anger, for example, that say "I will kill you," or some other words implying harm. Be careful as you make jokes with small children and adults who take words literally. "Go and play in the traffic" may seem funny to you, but it can be taken as a serious message of "You are not wanted here" to a small child. It is a good idea, in general, to avoid using "should" statements to other adults. Your ideas will be better received if they are presented as suggestions rather than "shoulds."

These statements that can create new mental structure are one of the keys to this healing. People can heal when the healing partner does not know of this power. But the healing will be slower and less powerful. The receiving partner is denied the power of the minimal number of "new parent" statements that are needed, and quite possibly burdened by unnecessary imperative statements from the healing partner.

There is a danger in the power of the healing partner's words. In every arena in life, power can be used for the benefit or detriment of those affected by the power. It is the same in this case. The healer's words can be a tremendous power for healing. When this power is unknown to the healing partner, disaster can result.

For example, I once knew of a healing partner who was unsuccessful in healing suicidal clients. Finally tiring of the talk of suicide, instead of referring the clients to other help, this person told the clients to just kill themselves. They did.

There is a danger of a counselor being insensitive to the fragility within some of their receiving partners. When tremendous voids are present in the first year of the person's life, suicidal thoughts will always be an issue to be handled. "Shoulds" that create an over-heavy "new parent" may feel life-threatening to these vulnerable and perhaps very damaged people.

So this is a warning for these vulnerable people to select very sensitive people as healing partners. If you are the receiving partner in a situation that does not "feel right" to you, feel free to speak up. If the situation is not resolved, do not blame yourself. Even though leaving treatment with your healing partner may be very difficult, it may be the right thing to do. You can find a healing partner that is a better match for you.

This ability to become "bound" by the imperative statements is mentioned in Jacqui Lee Schiff's first book, All My Children. She told a young man never to touch a young woman. She hadn't meant the words literally, but he was unable to touch the young woman later. Besides being mentioned and used as a key to healing in this book and my college papers, the concept of specific words having a tremendous impact on people has been unknown in the healing professions' literature, treatment, and practice.

Besides my own experience with these words, during my internship I had an enlightening experience of the burden that these words can create. There was a client in her thirties who had previous psychotherapy. She was missing many building blocks from her childhood. I asked her to tell me what her father had told her she should do. She recited a long list. Then I asked her what her former psychotherapist had told her she should do. This long list went on and on and on for approximately thirty minutes! I told her that she should forget those words, and let mine become important. She heard this with great relief.

Another amazing experience of the power of this new mental structure came to light when I evaluated the results of the short course I had offered to other healers a year previously. A healer suggested I interview a client who had healed dramatically. I asked many questions, and had a tape recorder playing, recording the answers. I asked if the healing partner had said any words of importance to this receiving partner. He said yes. He said that the healing partner had a typed list of statements, and read one to him a week, until all were read.

I asked what these statements were. Then he began to recite the words that seemed important to him that his healing partner said to him over the last year. He spoke the words from his mind. His words matched verbatim, word for word, the typed page of these statements that I had given to the healers in the class I had taught!

He felt that the statements were very naturally helpful. He also felt that being held in the arms of his healing partner was of prime importance in his healing. He believed that attending a 12-step program was of great importance in his healing, as substance abuse was in his background.

The statements that can create new mental structure are not magic words. In receptive clients, a burdensome mental structure from childhood can be replaced by a functional mental structure. These statements will have an impact only if bonding has occurred between the healing partner and the recipient.

However, there is magic in this healing process. But the magic is in the healing power of love shared by the healer and the receiver.

These statements will not always have power. The dependency relationship budding between the healing and receiving partner, the need for bonding on the receiving partner's part, a lovely and safe atmosphere created by the healing partner, good listening, caring responses, holding in arms, feeding, and emotional release of old feelings are all aspects of this healing experience. Add to these the statements that can create new mental structure, and they may or may not have power for this receiving partner at this time. They may not have an impact, at this time, and yet be important at another time. Try offering them, and see. I suggest that you share this information with the receiving partners, if they are receptive. The more they know, the more helpful they can be in their own healing.

For healing partners, good training is for you to hear these statements from someone who seems nurturing to you. Let yourself feel the impact of the statements that are important for you. Even if they are not significant for you, observe carefully the effect on others for whom they will touch. Develop your sensitivity to the other person's reactions. Notice what they show visually. Do they appear to be opening or closing themselves, are their eyes opening up more, perhaps shining, or are their eyes closing down or growing more dim? What do their bodies seem to be saying? Ask what the receiving partner believes his body to be expressing. Ask if any words had an impact on him.

Following are the statements that can create new mental structure that helped me and others. I gave a copy of these to new receiving partners, and explained that these were temporary statements that help protect people and let them feel safe as they grew and changed. I would offer to say them to the person if they wished, at any time they wished.

You should listen to me, and let these words be more important than words from other people, past and present.

You shouldn't kill yourself, or get yourself killed.

You shouldn't hurt yourself, or get yourself hurt.

You shouldn't kill anyone else, or get them killed.

Gentleness is the key to your treatment.

You've felt enough pain, you should feel what is safe for you to feel.

Don't withdraw.

Don't run away.

You should remember all that you ever knew, and be able to do the things you need to do (such as drive, shop, cook, work).

I'm glad you are here.

Your needs are okay with me (I'm not afraid of your needs).

Your feelings are okay with me (I'm not afraid of your feelings).

I'm glad you're a girl (boy).

You don't have to hurry, you can do things at your own pace.

I like to hold you.

You should ask for what you want, and say what you don't want.

You don't have to take care of me.

Problems are more likely to arise with those receiving partners who have either severe damage from traumas, or great voids in their infant or toddler emotional building blocks. Both the healing and receiving partner should be alert during the twenty-four hours after the receiving partner is given a statement from this list. He may experience discomfort and lose his ability to function. He will know what words are causing him discomfort, if it is the words that are the problem. It could be something else, of course, such as fears or worries or feelings that need to be discussed. It is important for these sensitive and vulnerable receiving partners to have a phone message center available, with a return call within 24 hours, if possible.

To correct the mistakes caused by words, the healing partner can simply say, "Forget the words _____ _____ _____ . For example, if the healing partner said, "Take care of yourself," and those words are causing the discomfort, he can simply say, "Forget the words 'Take good care of yourself'." The exact words are needed, which the receiving partner will know. Within approximately twenty minutes the receiving partner will be relieved of the negative effects of the mistaken statement.

Chapter Seven

EMOTIONS, THE ATMOSPHERE IN WHICH WE LIVE

We live in an atmosphere created by our emotional state. As adults, we are responsible for our lives. If we do not like the emotional atmosphere we live in, we can change it to one we prefer. I lived in an atmosphere of fear as a child. Then as an adult, I lived in a dreary world where my emotions were blocked. The atmosphere of my life was grey, dreary, depressing, lifeless, joyless, and hopeless.

Like attracts like. When I had many voids within me, I attracted people with many voids. I did not trust anyone. I attracted people to me who also had not learned the lessons of love or trust. They frequently let me down, they were not trustworthy.

When I filled some of the voids from early infancy, I began to feel loved, and I trusted my healing partner. He was the first person I trusted in my whole life. I then attracted trustworthy, loving people to me. As if we have radar, we hone in and attract to us those who have similar emotional and spiritual development to our own.

When I realized that I could change my emotional atmosphere, I decided that I would strive for one of love, joy, pleasure in relationships, and pleasure in my work. It took me years to partially reach my goal, which I still have in front of me. I am still striving for those beautiful goals, and my life keeps getting better, happier, and more full of love and rewards in my work. My relationships continue to improve.

For those of you with fewer missing building blocks and fewer traumas than I had, your healing and growth can be correspondingly quicker, with one condition. I noticed that it is easier for healthier people to heal. But due to the many comforts in their lives because of the many areas of health, healthier people have one disadvantage I never had.

That disadvantage is a complacent lack of motivation to improve their lives. Healthier people need to come up with a good personal reason for a commitment to heal all that they can heal, and not to stop. Then they will have a good enough reason to spend their time and money in healing or personal growth courses.

One way to create a commitment that will help you to grow and continue to grow, is to find a reason beyond yourself. Perhaps you could create a commitment that your family will come together in love instead of being separated, out of your healing. And if you'd like to think globally, even better. The larger your commitment, the more you will grow and heal, and the more you will eventually help others. Maybe you'd like to make a commitment to end world hunger, or create world peace, and you will start by healing yourself so that you are more peaceful and have abundance. It is said that when you have a global commitment, the universe lines up to help you. And you will have to keep growing and healing, in order to give that much to humanity!

My original commitment was to heal for myself. I had years of failure to heal. Then, when I decided to heal in order to give my son a better life, I began to heal. Of course, my son and I both benefitted. Then I decided to make a personal commitment to end world hunger. I didn't do anything other than know in myself that there is enough food for everyone, and that in every way I could, I would help. Later I decided that I would commit to helping heal the planet, and teach love, through my healing method and my writing and speaking. I personally believe that when we are committed to help all of humanity, the spirit world of God gives us extra help.

We reach plateaus after each new surge of growth and healing. We may wish to stay at our new level awhile. Then the road continues to rise in front of us. New growth is always possible, and life keeps getting better, so why stop?

Emotions are part of being human. They just are, like the skin on our body and the bones inside. We all have them. We all need them. Emotions are meant to serve us. They are energy. Baruch Spinoza, a philosopher of the 17th century, wrote that "All passions are passages, all emotions are motions, towards or from completeness and power." Spinoza further clarified that by emotions, the power of action in the body and ideas are either increased or diminished.

When we allow an appropriate flow of our emotions, we have all of the energy we need to enjoy our lives and function well. When we block our emotional energy, we often lack energy and the more pleasant emotions, such as love and pleasure.

The basic emotional groups are pleasure, sadness, fear, and anger. We also feel guilt. These all can range from a slight feeling to a great emotional feeling. Sometimes people attempt to block one or more emotion, such as anger or fear or sadness.

Unfortunately the other emotions also get blunted, to one degree or another. So when we block feelings we think are less desirable, pleasure gets diminished as well. In fact, we can lose the feelings of pleasure in our life entirely. The good news is that we can gain back our feelings. We can learn to have our feelings serve us. Then we can experience the pleasures that humans are meant to have.

We feel guilt when we know we have done something wrong. Sometimes our mind can concoct feelings of wrong-doing when in fact we have done nothing wrong.

Anger is the feeling that happens when your innocent wishes are blocked. It is not a bad or a negative feeling. Anger provides the energy for you to find a way around whatever is blocking your wish, so that you can get your wish, if possible. So you can see that anger truly has a positive function.

The verbal expression and behavior that you choose when you are angry can be considered positive or negative. Do your relationships suffer due to your expression or lack of expression of anger? If you are one of those people who "never gets angry," perhaps your feeling of anger got blocked long ago. All people have innocent wishes all day long, and sooner or later some will be blocked.

Fear is the feeling caused by actual or threatened danger. We can create unnecessary fear by imagining scenarios of danger in our minds. Sometimes when we are fearful we need information or comforting words from someone. Other times we are scared when we try something totally new. That fear diminishes quickly.

Sadness is the feeling that we feel when we experience loss or emotional hurt. All we need to do to complete our feelings of sadness is to allow ourselves to feel it.

Pleasure is the feeling we have when we receive enough of our innocent wishes. What is enough varies from person to person. To discover what is enough for you, pay attention to how you feel with more or less in a certain area. For example, does going out twice a week with friends satisfy you? Or do you feel better if you are with them only once a week, so that you have time for yourself alone. We can learn balance by paying attention to our emotions and needs, and to what brings us satisfaction.

People with missing building blocks from babyhood and childhood may have difficulty feeling pleasure until they begin filling those unmet needs. Also, people who blunt one feeling or another, usually sadness or fear or anger will feel less pleasure until they allow themselves to feel all of their emotions.

To feel good, we also need contact with other people. Humans are social animals. I consider contact with others "emotional food." This "emotional food" is as necessary to our emotional well-being as food and water is to our physical bodies. When people isolate themselves, they lack this emotional food.

People from very dysfunctional families tend to isolate themselves, and withdraw from the world. In order to heal in this process, it is necessary to find a supportive community to provide "emotional food," so that the healing sessions can fill in the voids from childhood. Working or volunteering a few hours a week, and perhaps taking a class or two, and joining a church or temple are some ways to begin finding kind people to surround you.

Good homework for isolated receiving partners is to find ways to create this supportive community. Assignments to look for classes or work or volunteer opportunities or churches can be given by the healing partner.

To increase your ability to feel your emotions, this type of healing can help, as well as some types of therapy and "bodywork." "Bodywork" is healing directed toward your physical body. Emotional blocks are held in muscles, and can be released by physical touching of the muscles in your body. This may be especially helpful to those who have difficulty accessing emotions in the healing sessions. You can find "bodywork" healers listed in holistic newspapers in health food stores in many areas. Some personal growth workshops such as Life Spring assist people in re-connecting to their feelings.

Unexpressed anger, fear, and sadness can be stored for years in our bodies and minds. Stored "old feelings" can cause energy depletion, because it takes energy to hold those feelings inside. These feelings are meant to be expressed outward, in sound and motion. When that energy is held inside, it can cause stress, and emotional and physical illnesses. These "old feelings" can be expressed in emotional release sessions, described in chapter eight.

Our emotions are supposed to serve us. Instead of our emotions serving us, we might be at the mercy of our emotions. Even though we don't want to be fearful, we may be. Even though we don't want to lose our temper at the drop of a hat, we do. Even though we know that life isn't meant to be sad all the time, that's how we feel. Even though our world is dreary because our emotions are blocked, we don't know what to do to feel anything. Even though we are very depressed, we don't seem to get better. These symptoms of emotional distress are all warning signals, like the red light that comes on in our cars when we need more oil, or when our engine is over-heating. These feelings indicate a need for help. You may just need some tinkering by a healing mechanic, or you may need a major overhaul.

Herbs are natural ways to help bring our bodies into balance. They may take a little longer to begin working than drugs, but once they begin working, people feel better than they do on drugs. Herbs are not addictive, and do not have the side effects of drugs. They can be found in many health food stores. Also, practitioners of the Chinese healing arts such as acupuncture are often knowledgeable about herbs.

Emotions are a signal to do something. When the feelings are good, sometimes the only thing needed is to enjoy, and wallow in the good feelings.

Fear is the signal of danger. It serves a survival function. Early man either froze in silence, or ran when frightened. When true danger threatens, those are sometimes the best responses.

Fear also arises in new situations, or in situations that trigger old memories of dangerous events. In these times, you need support from other people. Sometimes an explanation will be all the support you need. Sometimes you need to figure out what you are afraid may happen, and talk over your fears with someone supportive. Sometimes all you need is a friend to accompany you as you try something new. Sadness is the feeling that comes when we feel hurt or suffer a loss. When we allow the tears to flow, the sadness will leave us after a time. It is most helpful to have a sympathetic listener, and a shoulder to cry on. Crying alone is very painful, and I suggest finding a friend or a healing partner for your sad times. That way your crying is a good cry, rather than unbearable pain.

Grief is the intense sadness from the death of something or someone we hold dear. It may arise from the death of a loved person or pet, or the death of a marriage or friendship. If this grief is expressed, it will eventually wane. In earlier times, widows and widowers wore black for a year. People expected them to be in mourning for that period of time. That was a realistic expectation, as those feelings can ebb and flow strongly for that long. When the feelings are allowed to be expressed, they will eventually diminish. Support for grief is available, and I suggest that people search for supportive counseling or organizations, rather than trying to handle it on their own. Grief expressed and talked about diminishes. Otherwise it can stay frozen inside, and cause additional misery. There are organizations for widows and widowers, and for parents that lose children, for example.

Anger is a signal that you need to do something to get your wish. You may need to take some time to think about what you need. Think of what you want or don't want. Then you may need to communicate that to someone.

There are many ways to communicate your anger. One way is by screaming at the other person, but this doesn't work very well. People will avoid your company. Another way is to become a silent martyr. This doesn't serve you very well, either. It hurts you to hold such strong energy inside of you, when it is designed to go outward.

Here is a way to communicate anger in a way that has worked well for me, in case you'd like to try it. I call it the "anger sandwich," because the negative is sandwiched in between positives. You can think of it as a club sandwich, with lots of good things on the outside, and a little meat in the center.

First, think of the qualities that you sincerely appreciate in the other person. Then, sandwich what you don't want in between the positive qualities. I usually say two positive qualities first, then mention what I don't like or want, then add two more qualities that I like. I include an expectation that the problem will be solved as one of the positive statements. For example,

+ I love your company, and

+ I love your mellow, easy-going personality.

- I don't want to argue with you anymore, at all.

+ I value your presence in my home, and

+ I appreciate that we always solve our problems.

+ Our friendship has been almost entirely a pleasure,

+ and my goal is to keep it that way.

- We had an upset, possibly a misunderstanding.

I'd really like to know if I inadvertently hurt your feelings, or said something that upset you.

+ Something I admire about you is your vulnerability.

+ Another thing I've always appreciated about you is your honesty. Is there anything you'd like to say to me about this, now or later?

 If you are not used to talking about your feelings, you may feel scared at first. It gets better with practice. If you are scared to speak up, one way to get started is to start with your feeling of fear, and say, "It's scary, or hard, for me to say this." Or, it's fine to start by writing your communications to the other person.

Speaking up can be difficult as you are beginning to learn this new skill. You can write if you'd like. There are many advantages to written communication. You get to say everything you want, and can plan it well. You can practice as many times as you want before you send it. Your communication won't get interrupted. It is a safe way to communicate. You can put the communication on a beautiful note. The person receiving your note can re-read it, and may even treasure it.

Emotional problems are not caused by emotions. Emotions that are a problem are the symptoms. The underlying cause of the problems, from the seriously mentally ill to the fairly healthy person, are missing developmental building blocks and stored "old feelings." That is why filling in missing building blocks and some emotional release work constitutes most of the healing that takes place in this style of healing. Treating the symptoms, now that you know the cause can be treated, is like putting a bandaid on a wound.

All day and night, each of us has a very young inner child that wants what it wants when it wants it.  Following is a list of some of the innocent wishes that each of us wants.  They are natural desires that cause no harm to anyone.  It is important to realize that innocent wishes are normal and common to all humans.  These wishes can change from moment to moment.  Here are a few innocent wishes:

    I want to sleep until I am ready to get up. 

    I want to eat right now.  I want a drink.   I want to talk and I want you to listen to me. 

    I want to go out for a walk.  I want to take a bath.  I want to wear my favorite shirt.

Here are some more innocent wishes:

touching, being touched

holding someone, being held

being seen

being heard

being acknowledged

talking

listening

seeing

eating

sleeping

playing

spending time with someone

spending time alone

receiving love, giving love

receiving affection, giving affection

being close

hugging*, being hugged*

kissing*, being kissed*

sexual contact*

Note: the innocent wishes with the stars are only innocent if they are with the consent of both parties. The sexual wishes are only innocent between consenting adults. Children are under the age of consent for any sexual contact with adults, and that is always a violation, emotionally and legally.

We do many things to help us gain more of our innocent wishes. We go to movies or to dinner or concerts with friends, to play, talk, listen, and to be close. We earn money so that we can have as many innocent wishes as we desire, a nice home, a car, and to have money to play more.

It is natural for humans to ask for their wishes to be satisfied, and to say what they don't want. We start off asking for our innocent wishes as babies, crying when we have a blocked wish. In healthy families, we are cared for and comforted. As we get older, we learn refinements of asking. We learn that we must share, and wait our turn for some of our wishes. We learn timing, negotiating and waiting.

If we grew up in a fairly healthy family, where many of our needs were satisfied, we comfortably feel all of our emotions. If we have many missing building blocks, we may need to recoup some of them to have open emotional responses.

Notice that both feeling good and feeling angry are linked to our innocent wishes. When we receive our innocent wishes, we feel good. When they are blocked, we feel angry.

There is a range of anger from feeling slightly annoyed to a full-blown rage. The following blocked wishes are the opposite of some of the innocent wishes listed above.

I don't like it that the alarm is ringing now. I want to keep sleeping.

I'm hungry but the cat got into my lunch!

It's hot out here, and I'm very thirsty, and there's nothing to drink here.

I hate when you read the paper and tune me out when I want to talk.

HOW TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE'S ANGER DISAPPEAR

Would you like to know how to help someone's anger disappear? You can! This may take you some practice, but it is worth it. Then when your boss, your spouse, your parents, your child is angry at you, you can be with them in a way that has their anger disappear, and you both can feel good.

When someone is angry at you, what you can do is to really get their points and feelings. To make the anger disappear, you need to receive it with every sense you have, and communicate that you did. It is important to respond non-judgmentally, so use a neutral tone of voice. Sarcasm, criticism or judgement in your voice will sabotage your attempt.

Here's an example. You can fill in any words of anger that fit the ones that come toward you.

You hear, "I am so furious at you .... .... ."

You say, "I get it. I can see how furious you are, and I can hear it in your voice. I really get how mad you are at me."

Then the person continues, "Yes, you ... ... ... and you ... ... ... ... again!"

And you say, "I got it. I ... ... ... again and I ... ... ... again, and that's why you are so mad at me!"

And you hear, "And furthermore, ... ... ... and .... .... .... ."

And you say, "I get it. I also ... .... ... and .... ..... .... , and you are furious about that."

Keep listening to the exact points that the person is angry about, and let them hear that you get how angry they are, that you see and hear their anger, and that you get their points. Continue responding in this way. Soon their anger will disappear! This is useful in all personal relationships, as anger is a part of life. It is also an important skill for the healing partners in this healing process. This type of response to anger honors the other person's feelings and perceptions, with no judgement.

This takes lots of practice to master. You may respond in your habitual way to someone's anger, and then realize that you lost an opportunity to practice. Or you may be trying to listen non-judgmentally, and slipped in your opinion or your judgement or criticism. Or some sarcasm was in your responses. Don't be hard on yourself for being human! You can let it go, and if you are in relationship with this person, if the anger is unresolved, it will come up again.

Or, you can be a very big person, and apologize for not listening, or for not being as sensitive as you'd like. Then you could bring the subject of the person's anger up yourself, and say you'd like to give it another try, and you will do your best to listen to exactly what was upsetting to them. You could even write yourself a little note to coach yourself:

1. hear and reflect feelings

2. hear and reflect points

3. avoid judging

4. keep voice responses neutral

As humans, we attach meaning to everything. We need to realize that we are the ones who put the meaning on other people's words and actions. Once we realize that we do this, we can examine the meaning, and discover if it is true or pretend.

Here's one example of how we can add our own meaning to an event. The example here is "You look great today!" When someone says this, do we accept it, and feel good? Or do we add a meaning of our own, perhaps one learned from our childhood? Then we don't feel good after receiving the compliment. Maybe we say to ourself, "They are only trying to soften me. They'll want something from me later." Or, maybe we say to ourself, "I do not look good. I look terrible."

If you had a childhood where you received much negative attention, it is a pretty good guess that you re-translate much positive input that comes your way into negative. As a child growing up and leaving a negative childhood, we have great hope that now life will finally be better. But something that all humans do in such childhood situations gets in our way.

That is because we leave a negative childhood with a sort of filter system. We understood our childhood, and had to make sense of it to survive. So we generalized our thinking, that the whole world was like our childhood environment. We did this unconsciously as small children. We then created our personal filter system so that the outside world matched our childhood inner world.

For example, suppose we had 95% negatives in our childhood environment. Even if we are in a 50% positive situation now, we strain 45% of the positive input through our filter, and re-translate it to negative. We attach a personal, made-up negative meaning so that our world feels like the familiar 95% negative world of our childhood. If we could only receive 5% positive as a child, that is how much positive we will trust and allow into our system as adults prior to healing.

This filter system, as I call it, and this re-translating is not conscious. Most people are not aware that they do this unless they are in some sort of group, therapy or personal growth, and hear challenges to their negative thinking from a number of people.

For example, Claire has always thought of herself as ugly and overweight. She is actually attractive and average in weight, but has a distorted view of her physical body due to many missing building blocks in her early childhood. Claire is attending a church potluck. Thomas tells her she looks very nice today. She says, "Oh, I'm just fat and plain. I've always been that way." Thomas says, "Do you really believe that?" She says, "Yes, I accepted it long ago."

Thomas sees Claire's friend Alice, and signals her to come over. She comes, and Thomas says, "Your friend Claire thinks she's fat and plain. Would you tell her what you see?" Alice says, "You are kidding! You are a beautiful woman. I love your eyes and smile. And you aren't fat! Where did you get that idea?"

Claire decides to ask some other friends for feedback. They all tell her in what ways they find her attractive. Claire begins to alter the meaning she attaches to compliments. She now lets more positive in.

There are some sad aspects of this human survival mechanism. First, it is sad that it stays around when it is no longer needed. Second, it is sad that the re-translation people so often do is from positive to negative. We humans can be so hard on ourselves!

It is a good idea to begin to check out negative assumptions. When someone gives you a compliment, and says you look nice, or they like your shirt, try to allow it in without translating it to negative, or lessening the value of the compliment. Try just saying "Thank you." Let the positive attention in.

The re-translating that people do is part of a wonderful ability of our minds. A psychologist named Morris Rapkin called it the "Power of Pretend." It is important for us to realize that first, we have the power to attach meaning to everything. And second, we need to see that as humans, we all attach meaning to everything! When we become aware of this, we then have three choices.

1. First, we can ask the person speaking to us what they mean, and accept what they say as truth. This requires developing the courage to speak up and ask for feedback, and learning to trust.

To test your perceptions, you can get feedback on the same concern from several people . When you hear from five to ten people that their perception differs from yours, and theirs all coincide, you will update your private meaning. This is how you can begin to learn to trust feedback from others. Your old filter system begins to self-destruct.

Also, it may take some development of trust to accept what is said at face value. I personally prefer to accept everything as true unless I have personal knowledge that the person frequently does not tell the truth. I lose nothing by this attitude. I feel good from all compliments, even perhaps a few that may be insincere.

When the information is not complimentary, and is a judgement, I decide whether I want to listen to it. Perhaps it is a gift for my growth, if I am ready. This is not always easy to accept, because my first reaction to criticism is usually defensive. The information is not always given to me in the way I would prefer to hear it. But later, I can quietly think about the comment, and decide to think about it. If I think there is validity to the comment, then I can grow, if I want to. Or, I can set a boundary with that person, and ask them to be with me any time they have something positive to share with me, and to take any negative to their own teachers or healers. Or I may decide it is not correct for me. Then I dismiss it and let it go.

2. A second choice is to continue to pretend the worst. As humans, we tend to do this. For example, someone is late to pick you up. You may think they don't like you, or don't really want to get you. A plane is late, and you worry that it crashed. This is the power of pretend at its most negative. Worry is using the power of pretend. So are negative and judgmental thoughts.

Isn't it interesting how we sometimes excuse our own errors, but have harsh judgements of others? That is because we know our own intentions, and we don't know the intentions of others. If we walked a mile in their shoes, as the old saying goes, perhaps we would be more understanding. We forget this. As humans, we are very quick to judge and criticize others and ourselves.

3. A third choice is to pretend something positive. This is what I do, since I know that as a human I am likely to pretend something, so I might as well make up a nice story. If someone is late, I pretend that they are busy, or caught in traffic, and will arrive soon. Then, when I find out what really happened, I update my mental information. When I start to worry, I catch myself, and pretend something positive. For example, if I notice that my son is late getting home, I will say to myself, I'm not going to worry unless I know something bad happened. I'm not going to pretend bad things. I'm just going to pretend that he's fine, and having a great time, and forgot to look at his watch.

Thoughts generate emotions. Old ideas from our dysfunctional family have another unfortunate contribution to our lives. And don't delude yourself, if you have not been in therapy or personal growth courses you are likely to have most of those old ideas from your childhood. The old ideas trigger old emotional patterns and responses. A brilliant client described this as the old "kit." The old "kit" contains all that we learned in our family. It contains all of the family rules, all of the family version of 'facts' about feelings, thinking, behavior, and the world. The "kit" also contains the family 'pretends,' the stories we tell ourselves when our wishes are not satisfied, and our style of reacting. Our "kit" took years of training to develop.

There are some personal growth and educational seminars that can help us clear our thinking. One international company that offers a variety of seminars is Landmark Education.

In Conjoint Family Therapy, Virginia Satir emphasized that "the process still - and always - is the relationship between you and me, here and now." This is true of this type of healing as well. The techniques, the words, the skill of the healer are all within the bonds of relationship between the healing and receiving partners. If the bonding does not begin, this type of healing will not occur.

This healing process is another step in the evolution from the doctor/patient or therapist/client role. It may begin as a doctor/patient or therapist/client relationship; by the end of the process it can be a beloved person to beloved person relationship. The bonds of love can be quite similar to that of a parent and grown child.

In healing sessions in the initial phase, it is very important to note and distinguish the differences between the new situation and the original family situation. A change will occur step by step, as the receiving partner compares old family rules with the new ones in the healing sessions. Besides the areas discussed above regarding 'pretends' and the 'kit,' here are some of the areas he will be noticing regarding problems, solutions, and situations in his life:

1. the existence of problems, internally or externally

2. acknowledgement that problems exist, ability to define problems

3. understanding the general possibilities of change, clarifying the significance of problems, able to see and define various options

4. sees personal capacity for change, can come up with solutions, and can select possible choices for action

5. can see his own skills in problem-solving, and chooses options that solve problems

6. knows he can solve problems, and takes action that does solve them.

The above list is in order of growth and healing. It is described in Cathexis Reader, by Jacqui Lee Schiff. The receiving partner will initially be unable to distinguish the lower end of the list until he has learned to understand the top ones. For example, he cannot understand that problems are solvable if he is still operating from his old family system that ignores the existence of problems. He will learn to distinguish in the order above, beginning at number one on the list, if that is the level of his understanding the world from his old family system.

After some time, when his feelings are reflected back to him, and his points are listened to, he will notice how different this is from his childhood experience. He will begin noticing the difference between the "new system" in the healing sessions and his old family system. Here he can talk about his feelings, about what is important to him. Here he can ask for what he wants, and say "no" to what he does not want. Here, his needs are honored. It is helpful for the healer to point out these differences as the "old family system" and the "new system" in conversations discussing them.

The receiving partner will also be sorting out the difference between three aspects of self-expression. These are emotions, thinking, and rules, values, and opinions.

The first aspect of self-expression are the emotions. They are mad, sad, glad, scared, guilt, and variations of these feelings. It is important for people to clearly state their feelings.

The second aspect of self-expression is the logical, thinking part of us. Like a computer, this part expresses "just the facts, ma'am." Two and two is always four. This is an emotionless, logical part of our mind.

When people mistakenly say, "I feel that ... ... ," such as "I feel that this is the best option for me," they confuse the listener, who is expecting an emotion to follow the word 'feel." When people say, " I feel that ..." they are expressing a thought, not a feeling. For clear communication, this error is best corrected.

The third aspect of self-expression is the part of us with rules, values, and opinions, nurture and criticism. Prejudices are included here. An opinion is a variation of the truth, from that person's perspective. It is important to honor other people's opinions, even if we have an opposite opinion. The other person has formed his opinions based on his life history, which we as listeners cannot perceive. We can ask how they formed that opinion, and perhaps gain some understanding of their perspective. This aspect of the personality will come under much personal scrutiny as the healing process progresses. Old rules and values, opinions and prejudices will die a natural death as building blocks of childhood are filled, as emotional release work is done, as the person becomes more and more open and receptive to other people, and new levels of thinking occur. New values that honor self and others will be consciously chosen.

As an example of this is, Mike had many internal judgements about other people prior to his healing process. He saw much negative around him, and frequently suppressed his internal anger. When asked what he wanted, instead of honoring his own wishes, he submitted to those around him, to be a nice guy. His suppressed anger leaked out, interfering in his life.

Mike began using the charge that he felt from incidents that happened during the week. "My friend was rude. He shouldn't have left the restaurant." He'd lie on a mat and express his feelings of anger toward his friend. The anger inevitably led to early childhood anger at Mike's parents. He expressed that anger during a number of sessions.

After some time, Mike found himself less angry and judgmental with his friends. Then Mike decided that he would speak his truth with his friends. He decided that even if he was angry he would not say or do anything to hurt another person. He created new values for himself.

People sometimes, due to their childhood decisions, limit their self-expression to one or two of these aspects. They often then match up in relationships with people who express what they block. For example, a man who blocks all of his emotions, and expressed criticism and his opinions very strongly may match up with a woman who expresses her emotions frequently. Healing sessions or personal growth courses can help people gain expression in areas that they have closed. Their lives and relationships will grow richer as they express themselves more fully.

It is important that we realize that the decisions that we made as little people in our childhood homes were the best thing we could have done at the time. We cleverly intuited our survival needs, and what would best serve us with our particular parent figures and situation. This is important for healing partners to acknowledge to the receiving partners.

The receiving partners may be very dysfunctional adults now due to those early decisions. But those decisions may have saved their lives, if they came from a violent home! They were good decisions, and necessary at that time. No one could have made better decisions, knowing their situation and their vulnerability. They were wise decisions for their time and place. If I hadn't stopped screaming when my parents pushed me up and down in the bathtub, they might have continued their behavior, and drowned me. Every so often we read in the newspaper of babies and toddlers being killed. So my decision not to feel my emotions was a survival decision, a good decision. It worked. I survived.

In addition, we each are the experts on our own childhood history. We lived it, we interpreted it, it is our story. Other people may perceive our childhood differently, but we were the only one to live it from our own perspective. We have every right to say, "This is how it was for me." It is important for the healing partner to honor the receiving partner's life history. At the beginning of treatment sessions in many forms of healing, the receiving partner relates his problems and perhaps some of his life history, his childhood background. In this type of healing, this initial contact is the first place for the healing partner to begin listening in a way that the receiving partner feels honored and counted, rather than discounted.

The use of the statements that can create a new mental structure can be near the beginning of the process. However, you may wish to wait awhile as you get to know each other. These statements can trigger the receiving partner to enter the childhood stage needed to begin healing his childhood voids. The statements can be offered a few at a time at the beginning of the sessions, until all have been given.

If the receiving partner is functional enough to read and understand, he could read this book. An informed partner is able to be of more help in his own healing.

The phase of returning to childhood experiences can be at any point in this process. For some people, it will be most of the healing, and most of the process. Some will regress and feel like small children. Others will feel like adults playing at being a child, or acting the part. It does not matter. It works either way.

Some receiving partners may come in and simply talk, session after session. They may wish to be held near the end of the session. They may or may not want a bottle, or baby food. They can bring whatever they want to be fed, or the healing partner can have a supply. I did it both ways when I needed healing. Both were fine for me. They may want to talk for a while, then play with children's toys, then get held and fed. They may just want to play.

Emotional release work is an important phase of this healing process. It can come at any time from the beginning of the process to the end. For those receiving partners who were traumatized for expressing their emotions, as I was, it will likely come later in the process. There is no hurry. The pace should always be at the receiving partner's discretion. Doing emotional work should be an invitation, not a demand. Healing cannot be coerced.

When we are asked to help, and we accept, we frequently do help. Everyone ends up feeling better. But when we do not ask if help is wanted, or are not asked for help by the person we want to help, we are interfering. They may not be ready for help, or want help at the moment. If we help when no request for help is present, we enter the drama triangle.

The drama triangle is Rescuer, Persecutor, and Victim. We can step into the triangle from any of the three positions. Then we will go around to each of the other two positions. So when we help when there is no request, we enter the Rescuer position. We are not appreciated. We then feel like the Victim. "Why don't they appreciate me?" Then we enter the Persecutor position. "Those people just don't know what's good for them." Other negative, judgmental thoughts follow. We have gone around the whole drama triangle. Dr. Karpman emphasizes that it is the fluidity of the drama triangle that has us move quickly from one position to another, whether we enter from the Persecutor, Rescuer or Victim position.

The person we want to help may be learning a lesson in their muddle. A muddle is what happens when we play in a mud puddle. We get mud all over ourselves. It isn't a bad thing. We learn about that mud puddle. We also learn that we have to clean the mud off afterwards.

We all get in muddles until we learn our lessons. We cannot learn other people's lessons for them. They have to learn them for themselves. There are many lessons to learn. As we get our voids filled, and grow through the childhood stages, we get in fewer and fewer muddles.

Why are we attracted to the drama triangle? We all need attention in order to stay alive. Attention is our "emotional food." Perhaps we have not learned how to get positive attention by making straight requests of others. Or maybe those to whom we make straight requests do not respond the way we wish. We then sometimes choose any attention we can get. Negative attention is better than no attention at all to our wounded inner child.

If we have many missing building blocks from infancy and early childhood, we may be a drama junkie, a term coined by Dr. Karpman. According to Dr. Karpman, the drama triangle is agonizing. It is very stressful. Once we enter into it, our clear thinking deteriorates. Intimacy is lost.

When we get in the drama triangle by being a Rescuer, Persecutor, or Victim, we get ourselves in a muddle! First we become aware