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continuation of book1 text:TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR THIS SECTION:5 WHAT LEAVES THE VOIDS WITHIN? SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOOD SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED FROM SIX TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM SIX TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM SEVEN YEARS TO TWELVE YEARS CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS IN ADULTS SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS IN ADULTS SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS IN ADULTS SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS IN ADULTS SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM SEVEN YEARS TO TWELVE YEARS IN ADULTS SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS IN ADULTS
6 THE POSSIBILITY OF CREATING A NEW MENTAL STRUCTURE STATEMENTS THAT CAN CREATE NEW MENTAL STRUCTURE
7 EMOTIONS, THE ATMOSPHERE IN WHICH WE LIVE WHAT ARE EMOTIONS? WHAT DO EMOTIONS TELL US? EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS ARE NOT CAUSED BY EMOTIONS INNOCENT WISHES ARE LINKED TO EMOTIONS HOW TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE'S ANGER DISAPPEAR THE POWER OF PRETEND PHASES OF THE HEALING PROCESS PERSECUTOR, RESCUER, AND VICTIM, THE DRAMA TRIANGLE REQUESTS AND DEMANDS
PRACTICE FOR INTIMACY HEALING WITH EMOTIONAL RELEASE note: CHAPTERS 9 THROUGH END are in continuation page 2
WHAT LEAVES THE VOIDS WITHIN?HOW TO SATISFY NEEDS IN CHILDREN IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOODWHAT ARE CLUES IN CHILDREN THAT THERE ARE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT?HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOODWHAT ARE CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW MISSING BUILDING BLOCKS IN CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT?WHAT CAN FILL THE VOIDS IN ADULTS IN HEALING SESSIONS?"I'm willing to open my eyesto see your innocence.A child of God are you,a mirror of myself."by Donna Marie Cary, modified by the Devotional SingersWHAT LEAVES THE VOIDS WITHIN?The voids within all of us are left in the gaps where our childhood needs were not filled. In order to fill those voids, we need to know what goes in them. We need to know what fulfills those needs in infancy and childhood. Then, as adults, we can, if we choose, find a healing partner to help us fill those voids. SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDRENIN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOODIn the six stages of childhood emotional development, the child needs different responses from the parents or parent figures in order to satisfy current needs. Then the child can move on to the next stage of development. This same natural progression occurs in this healing process. When needs are satisfied in an early stage, the adult being healed usually moves on to be healed in the succeeding stage of development. Sometimes, however, an adult may jump around from one stage to another. One stage may be safer to deal with initially, and a more difficult stage may be handled later in the healing process. Books and resources mentioned in the sections on healing the voids in adults are good books for healthy children, as well. The books were written for normal children. These books and other resources for parents will be noted at the end of the chapter. SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS From birth to six months of age, a baby will either develop trust or mistrust from the pattern of responses that he receives. His first need is for the satisfaction of hunger, and bodily comfort. His next need is to form a strong bond with a warm woman and man. These will form the basis of the dependent relationships necessary for him to receive satisfaction of his emotional, developmental, and spiritual needs throughout the six stages of his childhood. When these needs are satisfied, the baby develops a foundation that will later be called trust. He will perceive the world to be a good place, that his needs are important, and that he can cry and then be nurtured in a way that feels good. Human babies and toddlers need much holding in arms. I suggest always honoring that request in the first six months, and as frequently as possible thereafter. Hold your baby and young child. Offer him or her as much of the paradise that only the mother and father, or parent figure can give, being held in your arms. There is a wonderful book for parents called The First Three Years of Life, by Burton L. White. Healthy, loving parents were studied, and their discipline noted. The tips in that book will offer you a way to have a well-behaved child without having to use harsh, harmful discipline. SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS In the second stage of development, from age six months through about 18 months of age, the baby begins to turn into a toddler, and needs to explore a rich and safe environment. Some conditional attention and limits are now appropriate. (No, you cannot chew on that electric cord, here's a toy instead. No, you cannot bite mommy, you can sit on the floor for awhile now.) Approximately two thirds of the attention he receives should remain positive and unconditional. To be responsive to these exploratory needs, and yet provide safety, parents can baby-proof the house, with dangerous areas blocked. Parents can allow the toddler to initiate contact when he needs attention, and when he wants to leave and return to the parent in new situations. Pleasant meals with a variety of foods, patience, and parents who are responsive to their own needs are helpful in this stage. SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS In the third stage of development, from 18 months to three years, the thinking part of the personality begins to be functional to a great degree. The child needs information and reasons; a way to express all feelings; limits set in a caring way; toilet training; a continuation of some positive attention; and time spent doing pleasurable activities with the parent figures. The needs in this stage will be unsatisfied if the parent does things for the child that the child can do for himself, including some problem-solving. If expectations are too high or too low; if parenting is inadequate, inconsistent, or competitive, needs will be unmet. Also, if the child is allowed to hit peers or parents, go out of control, or control the parents, needs will be unmet. SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS In the next stage of development, from approximately age 3 to 7, the child begins to test his own power. Parenting that satisfies the needs in this stage include help separating fantasy from reality; and allowing the child to do what he can for himself, including some problem-solving. A child's budding awareness of sexuality and gender need clear and correct information. He needs to know that his own body is okay, and gain age appropriate information about privacy and safety, and learn caution rather than fear. He needs to know the reasons for rules, and do a reasonable amount of arguing about the rules. SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS The child needs to learn tools to argue and negotiate in a way that takes other people into consideration. He needs to have many experiences in doing things. This is a great time for scout clubs and team sports. Much of the child's interest will be on the rules. He needs to learn the reason for rules, and be permitted to argue about the rules. Guidelines that help the child develop, think, and take personal responsibility are needed. The child needs to learn about the negative aspects of the world. He needs to learn that not all people do good things to other people, and that there are people in the world who hurt others, animals, and the earth. Without scaring himself, he needs to learn ways to judge people and situations, and learn how to exit from negative situations, and protect himself from danger. He needs to learn to finish tasks. SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS The child needs to be trusted and accepted unconditionally for himself. Misbehavior need not be accepted, but the child himself must have this acceptance. He needs to receive clear sexual information and knowledge of protection. He will begin to have sexual fantasies. He may or may not have sexual experiences. He will re-visit all of the previous developmental stages. He needs to realize that he is responsible for the outcomes of his choices. He ultimately needs to separate from his dependency on parents, and become independent. Parents need a firm foot on their values, and to be skilled in offering choices that lead to positive outcomes. Here are some examples of choices for teens: If you don't come home by your weekend curfew, then I get the car keys. If you leave the good towels in a heap where they can mildew, you will then use the oldest towels.If you don't wash the good sheets often enough, or dry them on too high a setting, you will then use old sheets. If you are rude, I get all of your makeup (or music tapes or CD's, etc). If you don't respond when I ask you questions, or want you home, I get your portable cassette player. If you make a mess, you clean it. If you waste electricity, soap, toilet paper, etc., it will be subtracted from your allowance. The items can be returned as soon as the teen has sincerely thought about the misbehavior and agreed on a change. For repeated infractions the items can be kept longer. It is very important not to keep these treasures of your teen too long, as you don't want him to give up and stop improving.) Avoid giving second chances, else the testing will never end. (If testing seems endless, get your teen checked for depression.) Limits for teens need to include time with peers, very important for their growth, yet not so much time as to offer many opportunities for mischief. An hour or two with friends on school days, and going to an event or movie, plus time for a soda afterwards on weekends is enough. The occasional sleepover is great, offering opportunities to observe different value systems in other homes while enjoying a friendship. Make sure, however, that you speak with the other parents each time, to know for sure that your teen will be there. There is a sway in adolescence, from your teen wanting you to care for them in an infantile way again, to moodily demanding to be treated as an adult a few minutes later. This is normal! Hormones, very strong chemicals, are pumping through their body. They are learning to cope with strong new sexual feelings, along with a great surge for independence. Just try to respond to the shifts as well as you can! You may have a teenager with a job objecting to paying his own phone bill, while asking you to treat him as an adult. It is helpful to point these things out in a way that does not make your teen feel wrong or embarrassed regarding these shifts. He is trying to sort out all these changes and growth in his own mind, and your comments, in a friendly, neutral tone, can help. Peers become very important, and are indeed important for your teen's growth and development. When behavior becomes excessive, set choices that will lead your teen in the direction of moderation. When you feel angry or concerned, that is a signal to you that it is time to set a limit and choices. Remind your teen that the choices he makes, and the outcomes of his choices will either make his life easier or harder. If he learns this now, it will help him in his entire adult life. He will take responsibility for his choices, rather than blaming others or luck. You might point out that some people make choices of companions and behaviors that lead them to jail, hospital wards, drug treatment, while other people make choices that lead to job training, education, and rewarding careers. What will they choose? Your expectations are very powerful with your child. Let him know that you are sure he will make good choices, and compliment him when he makes them. When he makes a poor choice, you can simply comment that you are sure there was a lesson he wanted to learn by his choice. Then compliment him for learning the lesson when he does. The parent of a teen needs to be ready for deep sharing of concerns at odd moments. The feelings may be shared as the teen is taking the trash out, or on the way out to see friends. These feelings or concerns may be shared quite casually, as a way of testing the safety of your receptivity. You may be startled, and not respond. Then, after you have had time to think about the comment, you can casually bring it up again. "You said you felt sometimes that you are (good for nothing, upset, worried, whatever the comment from the teen was). Are you having a hard time at school, with friends, here at home? ..... listen..... "How can I help?" ..... listen. Adolescence has been called the age of embarrassment. My junior high age son was embarrassed in the shopping mall. We were walking along an almost deserted hallway, and no one was near us. He asked me not to talk until we got to the car, because he was so embarrassed. When we got to the car, he told me that I had called him "honey" in public! He was afraid someone might hear me. It is tougher now to be a teen than it ever was. Many teens are unsupervised much of the time, as both parents work. Aids is a fact of life now. One sexual contact with someone with the virus can transmit this disease, as easily as kissing someone with a cold can pass on the cold virus. Sexual contact that can be deadly in the future is a hard concept for teens to understand, as they often think that they are immortal. Because you cannot go everywhere your teen goes, and they need to learn to make responsible decisions, the reality of Aids and its prevention must be discussed. Don't think you can skip this part of your job with your teen, thinking that he or she will remain a virgin until marriage. No matter how uncomfortable you may be discussing this subject with your teen, dealing with a dying child in the future would be thousands of times worse. I have known several teens whose parents were sure that their teens were not sexually active. One had been sexually active for two years! These teens had used inadequate birth control prevention, foam, and had not used condoms with nonoxynol -9, which offers some protection against the Aids virus. Some of the teen music and some teen idols encourage sex, and encourage sex with both genders. Some young people, confused about their sexuality, and missing many building blocks of emotional health, are playing Russian roulette by leading promiscuous sex lives. The transmission of Aids is high in this age group. Arguing about your rules and values is your teen's way of beginning to establish his own. True listening, and occasionally letting your teen win the argument is valuable for him. When you disagree with him, let him know that you appreciate his point of view, even though it differs from yours, but you will stick to yours in the home you have created. When he creates a home, he can create his own guidelines. TV is not contributing much to your teen. I suggest no TV during the school week, and on the weekends,two hours a day or a whole video if it is something you approve, something that will benefit him, and an hour a day if you don't approve of his choice. How much of what is on TV or in videos is beneficial to him? Your teen will own more of his knowledge if it is from a book. When people read information, they perceive it as their own acquisition. There is some thinking and mental work involved in absorbing written ideas. It can be absorbed at one's own pace. When people see information on a screen, they perceive it as someone else's ideas. They tend to think less about it. Leave good books and magazines in easy reach around the house. When the TV is off, and there's not much else to do, if you don't pressure your teen, he will likely start picking up books. Reassure your teen of your unconditional love for him. Let him know that even though you may not love the same music or friends or activities, you love him, and will always love him. Kids need to hear your love spoken, and still need hugs. They may want to put their head on your lap when you read or watch TV. They just don't want these demonstrations in public, or in front of their peers. A baby who fails to gain weight and grow is in danger of dying. Extremely serious lacks lead to this condition. A baby that rejects closeness shows a need for help. Continuous feeding problems, including a refusal to eat, indicate lacks. Continuous crying shows a problem in this stage. Frequent bowel problems can indicate a stressed baby. CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT A baby at the extremes, either very passive or quite hyperactive indicates problems. A nervous baby who cries easily shows a need for help. A baby who does not explore his environment and initiate interaction with others shows difficulties in growth. One with poor muscular coordination, who harms himself frequently without learning some caution shows a lack in development. Asthma and allergies can be a reaction to emotional difficulties. Asthma can mean "I am starving emotionally." CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT A child who has frequent temper tantrums shows a lack in emotional development. One who loses control, bites and kicks frequently shows a need for help. A withdrawn, fearful, or passive toddler is giving clues that help is needed. A child who is not beginning to take other people's feelings into account and is still totally self-centered shows clues that there are problems and lacks in this stage. CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT The child at the extremes of shyness or bullying with other children shows a lack in this stage. A child who lacks social skills in order to play well with children shows problems. Bed-wetting and nightmares can indicate a need for help. Refusal to eat the family meals, and an insistence on special food rituals can indicate problems. An extremely fearful child, or one with great fears when separating from the parent shows a need for help. An extremely passive or excessively "good" child may need help. School learning problems are a clue to a problem. CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT A child who is excessively worried about his school or sport activity performance indicates problems in this stage. Extreme behavior problems, ongoing lying, cheating, stealing at home or school show a need for help. Lack of completion of chores and schoolwork show a problem. Physical problems, such as frequent stomach aches, headaches, and ulcers indicate higher than normal stress, and a need for help. CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT When rules are too relaxed, the child searches for limits. They may act out to the point of police, hospital, or social service involvement in their search for limits. When teens act out consistently, in spite of appropriate limits, underlying depression may be the cause. When teens are depressed, they don't always look depressed the way adults do. Instead, they act out over and over again. Community clinics offer low-cost help. Group treatment with peers is highly effective with teens. If your teenager is making suicidal threats, such as "someone should just kill me," or suicidal gestures such as extreme limitation of food intake, take these signs as a red flag that immediate professional help is needed. Let his school know of your concerns. Extra support may be available there. Adolescence is a time of impulsive behavior, and a suicidal, impulsive teen needs help fast. When they decide to take action, it is often fast and without warning. Ignoring these red flags could cost your teen his life. A delay in sexual and physical development can indicate possible problems, if in conjunction with other difficulties. A promiscuous teen may be attempting to get nurture by being sexual, and is indicating problems in this stage. A teen who is impulsive, has few inner controls regarding expression of feelings and behavior indicates lacks in development. Extreme rebelliousness or extremely passive behavior shows unmet needs. Hygiene shows a problem at the two extremes, overconcern with cleanliness, or a total lack of concern. Teens that run away rather than dealing with their problems show emotional and developmental lacks. Dependency on drugs, and on peers to the exclusion of the family indicate problems in this stage. Over-exercising and under-eating, over-eating, or excluding several food groups shows serious problems.
SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN IN THE SIX STAGES OF CHILDHOOD SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS SATISFYING NEEDS IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT CLUES IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS THAT INDICATE PROBLEMS IN EMOTIONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS Jacqui Schiff, the pioneer of the original method of healing from which this method grew, described parental behaviors that result in needs in the first six months of life in response to hunger being unsatisfied. Here are the mechanics of the creation of profound voids that lead to eating disorders. They are: 1. Over-responsiveness The baby only puts out minimal energy, and does not develop frustration tolerance. 2. Overfeeding The baby associates discomfort with gratification. 3. Non-association of hunger to gratification of eating This can occur with neglected or starving babies, handicapped babies, or premature babies, especially if tube-fed. 4. Reluctant nursing A tense mother can inhibit the flow of milk. The baby can feel unsatisfied and frustrated. 5. Agitated feeding The baby will feel the feeding person's agitation, and be uncomfortable. 6. Absence of touching and nurture during feeding A baby that is left with a propped bottle, and lacks holding, touching and talking will be grossly unsatisfied. A baby is born with what I call "bonding energy," enough to bond strongly to a warm man and woman. When he is unable to use that energy or any portion of that energy to bond, he uses that energy still available and unused to either adapt, or in more difficult situations, to survive. The development of attachment to both a female and male is a prerequisite for later successful relationships with either gender. I first formulated these ideas as I began to heal in 1980. The following is an excerpt from the journal I kept, that I called "Coming Alive." Every baby needs two warm, caring people, one of each sex, who will feed him when he's hungry, comfort the baby when he's uncomfortable, personally take care of him a sufficient amount of the time, and form a bond with him until these baby needs are met, at approximately one year of age. If any of the above needs are unmet to the degree that it causes the baby unbearable, intolerable pain, the baby will become psychotic. Some other causes of psychosis are physical pain from accident or illness, lack of any person to bond with during the adoption process, starvation (being fed by the clock rather than by the baby's need) neglect, rejection for being the wrong sex baby for those parents, or not being wanted by those parents at that time. In some cases, the baby is unable to form a bond with one parent, and bonds to an object instead, according to my new theory. I also theorize that some deaf-mute people with no physical impairments may be catatonic schizophrenics who heard unbearable, intolerable noise when they were newborns, and turned off hearing instead of movement, which is what most catatonic schizophrenic people block. More new theory is that a baby is born with just enough energy to bond to a man and a woman. When that doesn't happen, I think that the baby uses that available, unused energy in a different way in order to survive in his situation. Some of these babies need to turn off some degree of feelings in order to survive, and others need to turn off some degree of their mind. (This happens with all babies, I think, to some degree. The difference is in the amount of feeling and thinking that psychotic babies need to stop, and in the degree that the bonding process is incomplete.) The extra energy that wasn't used in bonding is used to go crazy, a tool that the baby needs to use to survive, and a portion of the baby's mind or feelings and senses are cut off with that energy. There is a limit to the amount of pain that any human being can tolerate, and when that limit is reached, life is no longer desirable and the person chooses to die. When baby needs are grossly unmet, the baby is close to the human limit of pain. Also, any unbearable, intolerable trauma in babyhood brings the baby very close to that limit. The baby will then grow older chronologically, but his real age, the age he is emotionally, will not grow until his emotional wounds are healed and his baby needs are met. Inappropriate sexual behaviors involving a child can result in trauma to the child as well as unsatisfied emotional needs in any stage of development. Parents discomfort with sexuality can be passed on to the child, either by repression, or by considering the child as a seducer, and inappropriately involving the child in sexual comments or behavior. HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED FROM SIX TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS Actions that will block satisfaction of these baby and toddler needs are toilet training before eighteen months, force feeding, punishment for touching and exploring, too many "no's," too many "yesses," long restriction in a crib or playpen, emphasis on neatness, cleanliness, and performance, and constant or over-frequent initiation and stimulation from the parent or other person, including siblings. HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS When parents do things for the child that the child could do, and solve all of his problems for him, this will block satisfaction of the need to begin thinking and problem-solving. Expecting more than the child of this age can do, or having no or low expectations causes voids. Inconsistency causes voids. Permitting the child to hit parents or others causes a void. This is a time to learn the very basics of social control. This is the appropriate time for toilet training. Lack of expectation in this area will cause the need for this self-control to be unsatisfied. Inadequate parenting will result in voids. For example, a parent who tells his child what to do, is ignored, and does nothing is going to create a void in this stage. Parent Effectiveness Training courses are available in many areas for parents who need help in this area. In addition, the books The First Three Years of Life, and Parent Effectiveness Training can be good guides. "Parent Magazine" offers good tips on disciplining young children, as well. HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS The child's needs will be unsatisfied if he is scared or teased into behaving, and if fears are reinforced rather than explained. If the parents blame the child for their feelings and/or behavior, the child's needs will not be met. If the parent withdraws nurturing from the child, the needs will be unmet. Parental distortions of reality and prejudices are passed on to the child. HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM SEVEN TO TWELVE YEARS When parents are competitive, the child's needs are not met. Rules that are too rigid leave no room for the child to learn to think to solve problems. Instead they must blindly follow the rules. When rules are too relaxed, the child searches for limits, and will continue to misbehave until he finds that limit. When the parent is domineering and pushy, the child's needs get left out. When parents solve problems for the child that the child could solve, the child's needs for growth are not satisfied. Tough Love is a great support group for parents, training them to have clear guidelines and choices, learn to listen effectively, and have one consistent "bottom line" per week. You do not need to have a child in trouble to attend! You can go to avoid trouble, or just to learn. You will learn to create guidelines that allow for your child's growth, and gain many helpful ideas from other parents. HOW VOIDS ARE CREATED IN CHILDREN FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS Voids can be created by seductive parents. If the child's needs for nurturing and acceptance are ignored, his needs will be unsatisfied. Either too many rules for this age child, or an absence or removal of the rules will leave needs unmet. If parents take away all pleasures as punishment, the child may give up on solving problems. This pleasureless life will leave voids and pain. CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS The clues in adults that show lacks in this stage of development are in chapter one. When a person's needs were partially unsatisfied, he will exhibit only one or two of the clues in any stage. When the needs were grossly unsatisfied, he will have many of the clues pointing to these voids. CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM SIX TO EIGHTEEN MONTHS An adult whose behavior is stuck in flight, fight or freeze reactions to life has unmet needs in this stage. They will have a fear of abandonment or of being overwhelmed by another person. They will constantly try to please others whom they see as parental or authoritative. They have difficulty knowing their own boundaries.People at the extremes of activity, either hyperactive or very passive, lifeless and listless show unmet needs here. Those who are frequently bored, and lack creative abilities show needs here. Obsessive, compulsive and hysterical behavior indicates needs in this stage. Someone with awkward movements, unaware of his body or feelings has unmet needs. Those who are accident-prone, who frequently injure themselves show needs here. One who uses a favorite maneuver to get attention, such as acting sick or stupid or constantly happy, or acting the intellectual whiz, or always in motion, with never a rest, shows a need in this stage. Physical problems such as asthma, migraines, and vision can stem from voids in this stage. Their fear masks their anger. They project their feelings onto others. CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS Adults who show a lack in this stage may have a stiff neck. They may have diarrhea frequently, or constipation, or uncontrollable discharges of energy. They are contrary: "I can't, I won't, you can't make me." They are negative, oppositional, and controlling. They resist endlessly. When asked questions, they will control by long pauses, "I don't know," answers; the person asking the questions will feel angry. Other people's feelings are not important to people with lacks in this stage. They are very messy or very tidy. They are either over-weight or under-weight. Their anger masks their other feelings. They may be super-responsible, then collapse to try to get cared for. They may feel that they must be in a relationship to feel safe. In the relationship, they may try to please the partner to such an extent that they give up their own needs and wishes. CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM THREE TO SEVEN YEARS An adult who acts a drama of an evil person, a person going crazy, or acting scary or powerful has unmet needs in this stage. He has nightmares, and thinks he is the cause of unrelated events happening (magical thinking). Someone with voids in this stage looks for Santa Claus, "I wish"... "I hope"... "When things get better". He scares himself, "I shouldn't"... "I"m not allowed to." He converts his emotions from one feeling to another, he turns his anger into hurt, joy into sorrow, fear into anger (inappropriate emotional responses). Physical problems showing needs in this stage may be circulatory problems, chest pains and palpitations, muscular binding in the chest, and a raised or lowered metabolic rate. This person has not gotten the tools that tell him how to use the signals of his emotions to help his life. CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM SEVEN YEARS TO TWELVE YEARS A seductive person, or one who has sexual identity problems has needs in this stage. They may be latently homosexual. They are argumentative. Either they suffer while learning, or their performance is not good enough unless they are number one. They do not complete tasks, or do so with great difficulty. They are harried, pleasing others, perfectionistic, and rigid. They do without thinking. They use guilt to motivate. They ignore their feelings to get things done. They live in the past or future. Physical problems in this stage may be ulcers, headaches, chest pains or high blood pressure. They may have muscular binding in the area of the rib cage. Males with voids in this stage may have extra fatty tissue in their breasts. Females with voids here may have a body shape more typical of males, due to distribution of their body fat. This person does not know that he does not have to do things perfectly the first time, or that he isn't expected to already know everything. CLUES IN ADULTS THAT SHOW VOIDS FROM TWELVE TO EIGHTEEN YEARS One who is a frequent sexual joke teller, or talks about his latest sexual event (fantasy or reality), shows unmet needs here. He acts blatantly seductive. He is not nurturing, he wants the "real action." He may have acne. He may have a delay in sexual development. He is extremely one-up, vengeful, and self-centered. He lacks intimate relationships. He continues to seek others to meet his unsatisfied needs, and becomes dependent on them. He may be depressed. He may have eating disorders. SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM BIRTH TO SIX MONTHS IN ADULTS The information above regarding the nurture or lack of nurture for a baby from birth to six months makes it obvious that the healing partner must be a warm, calm, and nurturing person. In order to heal these missing building blocks, the healing partner must possess the building blocks within herself or himself. In an hour or two a week, the receiving partner can be held by the healing partner, cry and be fed a warm baby bottle of milk or goat's milk or juice in response to the cry, and be held. There will be time in a session for the receiving partner to talk afterwards, and/ or express feelings regarding the session in progress, or memories from childhood. There is no set routine. Each receiving partner can create his own routine, at his own pace. Some people may find expressing feelings far too threatening, and may simply be held and fed week after week. There is no hurry. The main lesson to be learned by the receiving partner is the healthy infant sequence of feeling a need, asking for that need, and receiving satisfaction of that need from the healing partner. The need is so great in humans for this early feeding and holding that the receiving partner may go on to all of the other stages, and still wish to be held and fed at some point in the treatment hour. I suggest that this request always be honored. A nice introduction to being held, if there is a group setting, is to have the whole group surround the receiving partner, who lies on the floor. Then carefully, the receiving partner is lifted by the group. While holding the person, and gently rocking him or her back and forth, the group can hum a lullaby. There are various ways to "hold" an adult, to re-create the feeling of being held as a child. One way is to sit on a sofa, and have the receiving partner sit very close, facing the back of the sofa, with knees bent. Then the receiving partner leans over the healing partner's chest, and rests his or her head on the healer's chest. The main weight of the receiving partner is on his own buttocks on the sofa next to the healer. It is useful to show the hesitant new receiving partners that they are not heavy by letting them hold the healing partner, or someone else, for a moment. The healing partner needs to have a supply of tissues handy, and also to cover his chest area with a clean, soft towel. Many tears come with this healing process. It is important to have a clear understanding that the healing partner will care for the inner child of the receiving partner during the healing sessions, and that the receiving partner has full responsibility for his or her life outside of the session time. The receiving partner may need to wait a few minutes after the session to "grow up" enough to drive. Homework for the receiving partner can be taking a nice bubble bath to the sound of soothing music, and finishing up with baby oil or baby powder. Gentle massage can be a very helpful weekly adjunct to healing sessions. The safest gender for the receiving partner can be the first masseuse tried, with the other gender massaging at some point in the future. It is very important that the massages are gentle and non-intrusive. SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM SIX TO 18 MONTHS IN ADULTS The main lesson for the receiving partner to learn as an adult re-creating this stage is to become aware of the "I want" impulses within, and begin to act on them. Examples of these 'wants' are described in Chapter Seven in the Innocent Wishes section. One exercise to open this awareness of wants and wishes is for the receiving partner to sit on the floor, soften or unfocus the eyes slightly, and look around. He may want to remove his eyeglasses. He can then move toward anything that interests him. A collection of children's toys, stuffed animals, dolls, books, coloring books and crayons, rattles and pacifiers are useful for this and the succeeding stages. Some homework for the receiving partner can be to write a list of the "wants" and the "don't wants." When wants are difficult to identify, it can be easier to start with what is not wanted. Bottle or spoon-feeding will usually be requested by receiving partners. It is always important to plan time for meeting these needs. Feeding should begin with the receiving partner's request, and end when they signal that they are through. Holding should always be a part of bottle feeding. SATISFYING CHILDHOOD NEEDS FROM 18 MONTHS TO THREE YEARS IN ADULTS A main lesson in healing is for the receiving partner to realize that both others and self have needs and feelings, and to learn to negotiate. A person with Borderline Personality Disorder will need to heal this stage of development. This type of person may cling to a partner in a relationship, wanting care, and then angrily push away from the partner for not being perfect. Some receiving partners may focus so much on others' needs that they need to focus for a time on their own, and later move on to include the other person's needs in their thinking. Another may focus only on self, and need to begin including others. An attitude that there is plenty of time, attention and things to go around, and that skills of negotiation can be learned will be helpful. The book, I Feel Guilty When I Say No, by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D., is useful here, as assertiveness tools are taught in a considerate way. There are easy dialogues in the book, identified in the table of contents, for those who don't want to read the who |
